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13 July 2003 @ 11:59 pm
Ramble On, Nifra...  
Early this weekend, my great-grandmother died. I'm not sure why I'm posting about this here now, or why I haven't told anyone. Maybe this is my way of making this real now, I'm not sure, but..I kind of have to? I don't know if that makes sense, or maybe I'm just being melodramatic about this, but I feel like I just *have* to put these things out there somehow. I'm not sure.

She was ninety-four years old and she moved to this country from what is now the Czech Republic when she was very young. She got married when she was nineteen - which is how old I am now and that's really weird to think about. She could knit like nobody's business -- she made me sweaters all the time when I was little. We all thought that was funny because I lived in Florida, but she said I could use them when I visited family up north, and I did. I remember one in particular that was navy blue with little red boats on it. It was my favorite -- because it was so warm. I'm a wimp when it comes to cold weather, and she knew that.

She made me a beautiful purple afghan that I wish I still had, and a black and orange one, too (and I do still have that one) -- even though by that time her hands shook too hard for her to do it easily. She gave me my first cup of coffee on the sly, telling me not to let my parents know. I was six. I've been an addict ever since. She made seven layer cake with chocolate frosting that *never, ever* has been matched for sheer deliciousness.

The last time I saw her was last year at my aunt's wedding. She...twinkled. I didn't talk to her nearly as often as either one of us would have liked, and I loved her very much. She told me she was proud of me.

I'm sort of...I don't know. I'm not...as overtly sad as I would have expected. Except when I am. I don't make much sense right now. I wish I had something profound to say about this, but I can't say much other than this is who she was. This is who she was to me. And this happened. And this is how I feel right now -- except even that part's a bit tricky. Because I don't know, but then...wouldn't it be false if I pretended to? It seems that I'm supposed to know. I just don't though. And maybe that's okay.

I'm not sure.
 
 
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You (which is actually completely serendipitous, in that I didn't
 
 
 
Cellicelli on July 13th, 2003 09:02 pm (UTC)
*hugs* She sounds like a wonderful person.

And as for your reaction, my mom likes to say "however you feel about it is okay."

*more hugs*
Bean: carobarely_bean on July 13th, 2003 09:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs you*
Meretmeret on July 13th, 2003 09:09 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for your loss. She sounds wonderful. I'm glad you have such great memories of her. *hugs*
Adoable Frunklyra_sena on July 13th, 2003 09:24 pm (UTC)
Your memories are beautiful, my love, and I hope you never hold back who you are or where you've come from.

Feelings are complicated reactions, and no one can tell you they're wrong or right. You feel them, thus they are.

You are so beautiful inside and out, and I love you more than those three words will ever be able to properly express.



Dolimirdolimir_k on July 13th, 2003 09:33 pm (UTC)
((((((((((((((((nifra))))))))))))))))))

I'm not...as overtly sad as I would have expected. Except when I am.

I think a part of you realizes that she was 94 years old and that she had lived a very good life. In addition, she was loved and loved in returned, which made her life fulfilling. I think it's okay to realize that death is part of the cycle, but it's also to mourn her loss. You will feel it in different ways as time goes on because that part of your life she occupied is empty now. But it sounds like you have wonderful memories of her and I hope those make you smile in the days to come. She sounds like she was a neat lady and I'm glad you had such a wonderful relationship with her!
Fleegullfleegull on July 13th, 2003 10:47 pm (UTC)
This was a beautiful tribute to your great-grandmother. No need to worry about how to correctly mourn, there is no "right" way. You have my deepest sympathies.
(Anonymous) on July 14th, 2003 05:02 am (UTC)
I´m sorry
I´m sorry for you. My grandma died two month ago and I know how you feel. She loved to knit, too. When I was young, she knit me shirts, scarfs and so on. The last years she had alzheimer, so it wasn´t possible to speak to her. I always thought I wouldn´t be so sad, like I was, when she died. Because she was so sick and it was expected. I think grief is a strange thing. Take your time for griefing, its important.
Giyenahgiyenah on July 14th, 2003 05:30 am (UTC)
*hugs you*

She sounded like she had a fulfilled life. :)
digitalwavedigitalwave on July 14th, 2003 08:49 am (UTC)
Nifra,

Don't worry about how you're dealing with the loss of your grandmother, your body and mind are still processing the shock. There will be good days and bad, the important thing is to celebrate the memories you have of her, and it sounds like you have very good ones.

I know what you're going through, I lost my older brother when I was 16, my dad 3 years ago. My mom's been in the hospital the last 4 months and I've been having to face the possibly of losing her soon. Thankfully she is getting better, its still going to be a long haul but there is some light at the end.

The important thing is to give yourself time, let yourself cry when you need to and don't hold things in. You're only hurting yourself when you do, I've learned this the hard way. Talk about her with your family and celebrate her life, she sounds like a very, very special lady. Talk about her to us here in LJ land, I've found some wonderful friends here since mom's been so sick, they've really helped.

(((((Hugs))))) to you for your loss

I've friended you, I hope that's okay.