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08 January 2005 @ 05:10 pm
Exorcize the demons.  
I have made a pact with myself to keep the amount of time I spend drooling over Ioan Gruffudd to an absolute minimum as I write this. So, you know, I’ll probably exclaim “OMGSOHOTDIES” only every three sentences or so. You have been warned.

Now, let me begin by saying that the ‘recently discovered archeological evidence sheds light on his true identity’ schtick at the very beginning of the movie made me a hell of a lot less likely to give it any credence whatsoever, because it reminds me of that TV series where people are like "Sometimes extraordinary things happen...these are those stories". It really should have just opened with the kind of tea-stained map, and the montage of people marching while Ioan talked about ‘subsurvience’ and ‘loyalty’. Because that definitely gets a hell of a lot more of a reaction from me, personally.

Ahh, yes, so apparently the Sarmatian’s and the Romans make bargain – which is that the Samartians have to give Rome all of their sons to fight for Rome because Rome totally kicked their ass back in the day. I think that part of the issue with the Sarmartians going to Rome is that they were all forced to wear stupid hats while going. I mean, look at those little boys. They’ve all got weird Elmer Fudd things going on.

So, anyway, Lancelot’s a baaaby Sarmatian being ripped away from his homeland of green hills and weird, unwashed parents, and people who think that the best way to comfort a leaving child is to yell “RULES!!!!!” at the top of their longs and thrust a fist into the sky. Then again, it might be “RIIIIIIDE!!” or “BRAAAA!” or “ROY!!” I don’t know.

But, whatever, it’s okay that he’s going, because his baby sister gives him what looks like a door-knocker to remind him of home. I don’t know why they need door-knockers, because they all live in tents, but that’s fine or not.

So now we’re in Britain with baaaby Arthur. Who has a huge crush on Pelagius, and has made him an amazing wooden carved disc. Pelagius lets him down easy, though, because Arthur can’t be a day older than eleven, and even back then it was suspect, and is like “Uhm. I can’t accept this. Give it to me, when you come to Rome.”

Arthur buys it. Pelagius heaves a sigh of relief.

And then we see the Sarmatians in their weird hats. They’re all so cute – with chubby little faces and pink cheeks below their strange, strange, headgear. I mean, we’re talking hunks of leather piled into strange shapes and then slapped onto their heads.

So, Pelagius talks about human rights, and tells Arthur that the safety of the baaaby knights is his responsibility, and Arthur looks like he’s starting to get an ulcer already.

Ooh! And now they’re all growed up. Granted, there are many, many fewer of them. But still – they’re way hot. And look! A carriage! A bishop! A line of exposition saying that they’re ticket home is the bishop’s safety, and that Arthur will be going to Rome!

But wait – there’s an attack on the caravan. Surprise. By men in leather bikinis with blue tattoos, which, actually, isn't something to be expected in any other movie. Merlin stands in the background, and looks sad about it. He may be sad because all of his men are blue. That would make me a little sad.

Anyway, Tristan then proves that he is an uberscout by watching the incoming hordes of woad warriors from the forrest, and saying, “Woads”. Well done, my lad. Subtle work was definitely necessary there.

The battle scene is much better in the extended edition that I’m watching, by the way, and can I just say, Lancelot fights pretty. I mean, he really fights pretty.

Buffy could still probably take him, though.

I’m surprised at what a good fighter Gawain turns out to be, and how hardcore Dagonet is. But really, the most scary of them all is Bors, who’s got these weird hand-knife things. Tristan, I guess, is supposed to be somehow intimidating given his weird kitana-esque weapon, but I’m not intimidated.

Galahad fights pretty too. He’s like, a centaur with a bow and arrow. It’s fab.

Arthur himself is – you know. Whatever. Clive Owen looks conflicted as he cuts people up, but also really fierce, and shows his teeth a lot. So I can’t tell weather he feels guilty, or has gas. It could really go either way.

Sadly, the “Bishop” is dead. And an Italian man cowers by the wheels and prays a lot while sobbing. Then Arthur doesn’t kill a woad who looks like Kevin Spacey, demanding to know why Merlin sent the warriors south of the wall.

And the look on Arthur’s face when he’s made to repeat himself is enough to make me believe he’s a man capable of real violence, more so than the WHOLE battle sequence that just happened. I’m not sure what that says.

So then there’s some violin music and Merlin and Arthur stare into one another’s eyes through the forrest, and Merlin looks really sad. He kind of has doe eyes. It’s strange.

Surprise! The Bishop wasn’t actually the guy who died! Yes! That’s fabulous!

Except not, because there are tensions between the knights and the Christian faith, as evidenced by Bors’ weirdly threatening bad jokes about praying.

The bishop is weird, and he kind of flirts with Arthur, and he apparently used to be a general. That’s not important. What’s important is that there are expository lines being flung about with all the skill of a pre-kindergarten game of softball.

Cue weird sad-Merlin scene again. I don’t get what that’s about. At all. Or why it needs to keep happening.

Weeping Italian man makes a slip in front of Lancelot showing that he knows more about what's going to go on in the future than Lancelot does, and Lancelot is NOT HAPPY about it. He gives the Italian man The Eye, and glares.

I would love to be on the receiving end of one of those glares, I’ll tell you what.

So now the knights are all hanging out. Gawain is funny, Galahad is impatient and sulky and hating on violence, and Tristan is, apparently sociopathic. But cute about it, so it can be forgiven. I like Galahad’s thighs.

Bors wants Dagonet to never leave him. It’s sweet. There isn’t slash there. You can’t persuade me.

Lancelot, on the other hand, is planning to seduce Gawain’s theoretical wife. And then he’s flirting with Arthur. A lot.

Arthur doesn’t respond well to teasing; he’s Very Serious. Lancelot doesn’t respond well to Arthur’s proslethizing about Rome, but then goes back to flirting, because he’s apparently in a good mood. His hair is SO CURLY.

Okay, we’re at the fortress. There are children running around. Several of them look Asian, which stretches my credulity a bit, but it’s okay.

Bors’ lady is feisty and slaps him for keeping her waiting, Bors is adorable with his five million children. He calls them all his bastards, and it’s kind of sweet, if gruffly so.

The knights are all at the round table, drinking and chillin’, and Arthur totally ruins the mood by being like, “So, you know, what about our dead friends?”

You get the feeling he’s like that a lot at parties.

So, now we’re with the Italian Weeping Man and the Italian General/Bishop, who breaks the wooden token of affection baaaby Arthur carved for Pelagius back when he was wee.

Now, I don’t really get why the round table freaks out the Italian guy so much. But I treally, truly does. He’s like “What kind of evil is this!!?”

Well, sir, it’s the evil of a circle. It’s got all kinds of rules assigned to it through geometry. I might not have liked it much when in high school, but I never called it straight out evil before.

Moving on. The Bishop/General guy goes on with an obviously rehearsed speech, but it’s an awful speech. Lancelot looks bored. I want to lick him.

Blah, blah, blah, exposition fritters. The Saxons are coming – a massive incursion! To the north! They only claim what they kill! They only kill everything! Ahhh!

Bishop/General demands that the knights leave so he and Arthur can speak alone. Arhtur’s like, “Please, bitch,” but the Bishop/General is way serious, so Lancelot in a moment of diplomacy drains his cup, and pleasantly says, “Let’s leave Roman business to Romans.”

Bors almost explodes, but Dagonet pats his shoulder, and persuades him to go sans violence. There is still no slash there. Shut up.

So, yeah. The knights were supposed to go free, and now they’re not, because the Pope’s favorite godson is in danger from the Saxon incursion. They live ABOVE THE WALL OMIGOD.

Arthur flips out. The Bishop/General explains why they need the papers to go home at all, and provides a great tag line for the teaser, “Will you defy Rome, and God?”

As soon as the knights get back with the godson, they get their discharge papers. Arhtur is like, “When we get back? I’ma fuck your shit up if you don’t give us those papers.”

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the knights are having a Good Time. Lancelot is gambling, sexily. Gawain is cheerfully drinking, Galahad looks to be wenching. Lancelot flirts with Bors’ lady to piss Bors’ off. He does it WAY sexily.

Bors plays with his baby and it’s SO CUTE.

Then Tristan totally skools Galahad and Gawain in knife throwing. It’s awesome. He’s got an amazing deadpan.

Bors’ lady sings a song that seems to be moving to everyone. It’s about going home. Bors and Dagonet share a significant look, because they’re going home. Not because there’s slash there. Shut up.

Oh, Lancelot looks so conflicted about the idea of home. Galahad sings along, sweetly. Tristan looks weird, Dagonet almost about to burst into tears, and Gawain, is weirdly resigned.

Then Arthur shows up, and totally breaks the mood. Like he does.

Galahad wants to have a frat party with Arthur, and proposes that Arthur have many drinks with them. Bors screams that thing that might be “RULES” and might be “BRA” but no one really knows. Least of all me.

Arthur, on the other hand, wants to share the bad news. The knights all think he’s joking, except for Lancelot who gets it immediately and is displeased. Also sexy. Galahad is really upset, as are Bors and everyone else. Bors and Galahad are just the most vocal about it. Lancelot just stands there, hotly. Tristan whittles something.

Bors is about to cry because he’s a free man. Tristan is way fatalistic. Galahad threatens to kill Tristan, and then screams that he has something to live for. I think he means Gawain, but I’m not sure.

Dagonet makes Bors come with him, because Bors won’t let Dagonet wander into danger alone. There. Is. Not. Slash. There.

Gawain pledges himself and Galahad to the mission. Galahad almost cries, but then walks off with a very sad looking Gawain.

Lancelot and Arthur share a LOOK. Then Arthur goes to the stables and beats up his saddle a little bit before praying in an incredibly weird and wooden way. Lancelot walks in on it –

May I just mention that Lancelot is wearing leather pants? Yeah. Okay. I just thought we should all be aware.

Leather pants. *drools*

“Why do you always talk to God and not to me?” Lancelot demands angrily. It’s the most amazing, “I AM SO YOUR WIFE” moment in the world.

Their fight is pretty hardcore. Lancelot has a valid concern when he points out that the mission is an arbitrary one that totally disrupts their pact with Rome, also it’s a suicide mission. Arthur, on the other hand, is all “If we don’t help them, they’ll die!”

Lancelot’s like, “You realize that there is never actually going to be peace on Earth? You get that, right? People will always die, you get that, too, right?”

Arthur doesn’t get it.

But then he agrees to go with Arthur, and makes Arthur promise to burn his body and cast it to a strong east wind if he dies. Then he looks really upset, and walks off. Arthur just kind of stands there with a very, “Well, Shit.” look on his face.

Oooh, now we’re with the Saxons. They’re pillaging, and one of them is making an attempt to rape. The Chief Bad Guy rasps something about not mixing races, and slinks around like a villain doped up on Quaaludes. His son, who looks undeniably like Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers, gets up in his grill about not letting the men have their fun.

Then Chief Bad Guy cuts off the head of the woman he saved from rape, and threatens to cut out his son’s tongue. All of this in the same slurred raspy Quaalude speak that he’s been doing this whole scene in.

He’s such a weirdly unconcerned villain. “Are we going to win? Are we going to slaughter the native Picts so much so that our descendents will be known as Anglo-Saxons? Will perhaps the greatest cultural struggle on our island be the one between the Saxons and the Normans? Who knows. I don’t care. I’m evil, Saxon, and on lots and lots of tranquilizers.”

Galahad is still unhappy. You can tell by the angry look he gives Arthur while sitting his restive horse. I mean, again, he has a point. Arthur just doesn’t seem to get that they have the right to be pissed at being lied to by Rome.

Oh, the Weeping Italian man who attends/worships/gives blowjobs to Bishop/General is going with the men. There’s neat music that plays as the caravan rides out of the fortress toward The Wall.

They’re going Above The Wall, you do realize? This is MADNESS. SUICIDE! NO ONE HAS FOUGHT THE WOADS ABOVE THE WALL!!

Arthur is not concerned with such petty trifles. Arthur is a law unto himself. Cue riding montage.

For some reason, there’s a Briton helping the Saxons. The Chief Bad Guy is still pretty doped up, it seems. His son is way pushy.

If I was the Chief Bad Guy and my son was that uppity, I’d kick his ass, dude.

Anyway, they plan to kill everybody in the world as they work their way through the island.

Merlin and his people are in the woods. He has just realized thousand of Saxons are coming.

Now the Woads are tracking the knights. They’re in the forrest. Their horses are not loving it. Like, at all.

They love it even less when the Woads set up a strange-o booby trap. Lancelot knows what’s up, and orders the men around, hotly.

He can order me around any time.

Merlin says that he wants to keep Arthur and his men alive to fight their other enemy, the Saxon. It’s a pretty good plan, I guess, except for the way the knights have a habit of killing Woads all the time. But, I suppose no one is perfect.

The Roman above the wall that they’ve gone to save has a Dad who’s a total dick, man. He’s all “We’re goin’ nowhere. Fuck the Saxons.”

Arthur’s like “I’ll kill you with my hands.” Which pretty much settles everything.

Except, of course, for the huge amounts of surplus cruelty going on all over the plantation/farm/whatever. Arthur can’t really stand that, and all of the knights roll their eyes at one another in a very, “Here he goes again, stopping torture and saving lives, that crazy guy,” kind of way. But they back him up anyway, which is nice.

Arthur decides EVERYBODY is going to the fortress with them, not just the guy they’re supposed to save. Then it snows. And the Saxons are coming. None of it augurs well.

Arthur gets distracted from the drum beats of the approaching Saxons by a couple of guys who are bricking up a doorway, or rather, by the gaurds haranguing them. It’s like he’s got ADD or something.

Lancelot who is not distracted from the oncoming blond legions of death, protests that they have no time. Galahad is all, “Dude, what he said!”

So instead of askign Lancelot, Arthur gets Dagonet to break the damn door-brick-thing down entirely and then all of the knights go in, to see what’s the what. So in they go, and they are all totally horrified. Arthur looks like he wants to maybe kill himself and everyone else, and Lancelot is shocky and horrified because priests are torturing people who aren’t Christian. He gets up in Arthur’s face about it, and then kills a priest who tries to attack him. Gawain menaces the other priest, and Dagonet finds a baby boy, and saves his life.

Dagonet’s all like, “You must not fear me” to tbe boy, which – while entirely sweet, would make me maybe more afraid, coming from such a great, hulking brute.

Then Lancelot finds Guinevere, and Arthur totally loses his shit at the sight of the pretty lady about to cry. Lancelot has to go outside, and like, walk for a little bit he’s so upset. Arthur carries Guinevere and gives her water and she looks totally freaked out. Tristan’s all like, “By the way, she’s a Woad, you know, our enemy?”

Everyone gives him dirty looks.

So then the dick who owns the place gets up in the face of the knights and is all like “Pagans! I hate pagans! Kill them all!” and man – did HE ever pick the wrong crowd? Because all of the knights are totally not having that.

The remaining priest blathers about his willingness to die to continue to torture the pagans. Arthur’s all like “Fine, you want to die? Okay. I’ll put you back in there. How do you like me now, bitch?”

And Guinevere flutters her eyelashes prettily at the falling snow.

The caravan’s on the road. Nobody looks happy. Lancelot’s very concerned that they’re all going to die because they’re saving everybody. Lancelot doesn’t really want to die, and he’s like, “So, are we doing this because we have to, or because you’re a ridiculous bleeding heart who doesn’t have the sense god gave a chicken to run when an army of thousands of rapacious Nordic men are ON OUR ASS?”

Which really brings me back to the Starsky and Hutch fic I was reading last night, but I digress.

Arthur’s now in the wagon with Guinevere, and Guinevere’s doing a silent and incensed thing. He has to set her fingers. It really freaks me out, watching him do that. Guinevere, though, is a total trooper, who just pants a lot and bares her teeth in a semi-feral kind of way at Arthur as he sets her fingers. Then he hugs her and she stares at her hand as though beginning to understand the fact that she’s been tortured.

“They tortured me with machines,” she gasps, and then she goes through the introductions, telling him who he is, and then who she is, and then telling the audience that he, too, is a Briton. Then she, you know, passes out.

Like you do.

Ahh, now we’re back in the land of Saxons. Chief Bad Guy continues to rock a very medicated seeming zen, while the son continues to be a pushy bitch. They’ve pulled the priest out of the torture hole where Arthur left him, only to put him back in it.

Which seems to me to be a little bit of overkill. I mean, really, the greasy scum has been walled in and pulled out like 3 times today. Don’t you think there should be like, a limit?

Then they burn and kill everything, the way Saxons are wont to do, apparently.

Lancelot keeps turning to stare at the very pale, very beautiful Guinevere. Arthur watches him do so, and then Lancelot looks weirdly guilty, and rides away. It’s because they’re lovers, and he shouldn’t be looking at someone else. But then Arthur flirts with Guinevere. It’s because he’s jealous.

Guinevere is way hot, though. Even if she is spouting homilies about freedom and suchwhat. Arthur finds it a bit abrasive, but also, perhaps, persuasive? Particularly as she says, “I belong here, where do you belong?”

In other news, her hand’s doing fine apparently.

They find charred remains of Roman guard uniforms, and Arthur knowingly says, “Saxons.”

Then he decides it’s a good place to camp, which makes no sense to me, but then, I guess I’m no Roman cavalry leader. It just seems like it’d be ripe for bad juju what with the way Arthur's fellow officers were recently murdered there.

Oooh, Lancelot and Guinevere are hanging out. She’s talking about how beautiful her land is. Lancelot’s like, “It’s hell. Shuttup. You’re way hot, though.”

There are many significant glances between the two of them. I’d like to see them do it, if only because, you know, that’s how the story goes. It doesn’t hurt that I find both of them fiendishly attractive, either.

So then Lancelot watches Guinevere take a bath, clearly in deep inner turmoil. She sees him watching her, and doesn’t look away. Lancelot looks away though, and leaves to sit by himself and look kind of sad.

Arthur is also sitting by himself and looking kind of sad.

But Guinevere is talking to Lancelot now and Lancelot’s making jokes about his homeland. He says they sacrificed goats and danced naked. I’m not anti-that. I’d like to see footage, in fact.

Then he describes his home, which sounds a great deal like Montana.

Guinevere’s like an amazing PR consultant. She turns the description of Sarmatia back into a discussion of freedom, and then says that they’re a lot alike. And then she asks about whether or not he’s going to have a family.

Oh! Oh! Woobie!Lancelot is like, “I’ve killed too many sons, what right do I have to my own” and then she asks if he believes in anything at all, and he admits he would have left Guinevere to die. Which implies that he believes in Arthur.

Because he LOOOOVES HIM and wants to DAAATE HIM.

*cough*

So now we’re back to lonely alone Arthur, who is awoken by Guinevere walking past him. Lancelot watches this go down and carreses his door-knocker of Samartia.

It looks a lot like Guin and Arthur are going to get it on, but then they don’t and Merlin shows up instead. Arthur kind of looses his shit about it, and pulls his sword. Merlin’s all “Dude, I’m not going to hurt you. We should hurt Saxons instead.”

Arthur’s kind of like, “Yeah, sure whatever. YOU KILLED MY MOM!!!”

Then there’s a flashback, and it kind of looks like Merlin pushed a flaming dumpster at Arthur’s mom. It’s a little confusing.

Arthur clearly has not gotten over the death of his mommy. It’s okay, though. Because I can see how it would be traumatic.

Merlin continues to give a sales pitch for Arthur to work with him, and it seems to work a little, but Arthur stalks off.

So then Roman gaurds attack Dagonet while he sleeps beside the baby boy he saved the day before. And Dagonet totally takes a bunch of them, until the gross plantation/farm owner grabs the boy and puts a knife to his throat and demands that the gaurds kill Dagonet.

This is so not okay. Guinevere shoots the bastard, and then Arthur and Lancelot show up, with Lancelot being PHENOMENALLY HOT, with his swords behind his head and all. Then Bors is there, and he’s all, “You been threatenin’ my Dag?”

I mean – there’s no slash there.

Anyway, they subdue the Roman gaurds. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the Saxons, in addition to outnumbering the knights like five hundred to one, also have armor piercing cross bows.

The knights are so fucked.

Then the Pope’s godson tells Arthur that Pelagius, his boyhood monk-crush, was executed for heresy, and Arthur looks like he just wants to lie down on the side of the path and die.

New obstacle to survival: the knights and co. have to cross a frozen lake to get through the mountains and away from the Saxons. There are a lot of them, and they’ve got lots of stuff, and the ice? Well, the ice, she be a’crackin’.

And apparently Saxons don’t sleep because they are RIGHT UP ON the knight’s tails. It’s very not for the best.

So, naturally, they decided to fight the Saxons on the frozen lake. Like any rational person would. And then Guinevere decides to fight with them.

Making it 8 against 200. Which is like a 1 in 15 chance of survival. Yeah, those are odds to love.

Lancelot flirts a little with Guinevere and she promises not to let the Saxons rape him. It’s sweet. They’re pals.

They should be naked pals, really. That’s my feeling.

So then there’s a fight. It’s even more than moderately suspenseful, but the point is that Dagonet dies a lot by cracking the ice and making many, many of the Saxons fall through. Bors is totally shattered by it, but they save his body, which is pretty cool, I guess.

It makes me really sad that Dagonet is dead. Maybe not as sad as Bors. But, pretty sad.

No. Slash.

And, you know. The knights are pissed that their buddy is dead, as is Arthur, and they’re all a lot more bonded with Guinevere.

Shooting at advancing Saxons who plan to kill you while you stand on the far edge of an unstably frozen body of water will do that.

Oh, also? Lancelot is really pretty when juxtaposed with – well, anything, but against the white backdrop it’s particularly nice.

They are back at the fortress. They have their papers. Bishop/General is all “Wow! You did it and didn’t die!” But nobody is having *any* of that. They all stare at him in disgust.

A guard tries to stop the baby boy from looking at the dead body of Dagonet, and Galahad’s like “I will shank you, motherfucker.”

Bors is crying! Bors! Stop crying, sweetpea!

I maintain firmly the lack of slash. I know some of you are reading this and thinking I’m trying to fool myself, but really, they both just ping so STRAIGHT.

Lancelot hands out the papers, and ignores the Bishop/General hatefully. He calms Bors down a little, too, you know, as best he can.

Tristan – who is my favorite cuddly sociopath – steals the box the papers came in from the horribly intimidated guard. It’s kind of great.

Then they all bury Dagonet, and it’s way sad. Gawain is all “We’ll be along soon” which doesn’t speak too well to his state of mind, but Lancelot can’t even stand to be there anymore, so he stalks off, away from everybody, and Guinevere goes to follow him.

Bors drinks by Dagonet’s grave, and pours wine on his dead body.

Oh, huh, I guess Guin was following Arthur. I wasn’t really paying attention to anything but Lancelot’s ass. I get that way sometimes.

They talk. No one really cares. Arthur mentions his boyhood crush again. He’s way torn up about the death of Pelagius. Guin tells him to grow up, really, and deal with reality.

I can see her point. I just think she lacks a certain amount of tact to do so right after a friend’s funeral. Especially given the way she turns it all around to her point again, immediately. I’m telling you – in another life? She’d be an amazing advertising campaign manager.

Chief Bad Guy is now showing a certain amount of manic-ness. He cuts his son’s face for losing a battle, and then demotes him. But all in this really weird calm yet frantic way.

He is on so many many drugs.

The son deals poorly with this situation, so he kills a random bystander. His father chuckles indulgently.

Okay, so now we’re at the sex scene between Arthur and Guinevere. Guin’s way hot, as I’ve been noting all along, but I’ve got to tell you – for a guy who’s being accosted by a lovely lady, Arthur seems totally un-into it. It’s really strange.

Or – wait – no it’s not strange. And why? Because Arthur is totally tired out from Lancelot, earlier.

They don’t really get it on because the Saxons’ are literally at the door. Oooh, now everyone is wearing leather pants. I’m way for that.

Arthur’s like “Yeah, so, I’m maybe not going to leave. I guess I’ve got to stay here and, you know, kill the Saxons or whatever. Sorry, dudes.”

Lancelot doesn’t deal so well with this. In fact, he glares at Guinever elike he wants to light her on fire with his eyes after Arthur says this, and chases after Arthur. Guin chases after him.

They should all just do it on camera.

He makes Arthur look at him, and they have another Married Fight. “Does it all count for nothing?”

A: “You can ask me that?”
L: “I beg you, for our friendship’s sake –“
A: “Then be my friend and live for the both of us”

Said, while Arthur clasps Lancelot’s face, tenderly, and then Arthur walks away, his hand trailing over Lancelot’s chest, and Lancelot looks like he’s about to cry.

Yes, my friends, that is the Best Thing Ever.

*happy sigh*

Oh. Right. I guess there’s more movie left. I can’t really bestir myself to care, mainly because of the absolute hilarity of the idea that seven guys could take on THOUSANDS of Saxons all by themselves, with the help of a little smoke, and okay, maybe a few flaming arrows. But the point is – when you’ve got seven cavalry members and a handful of archers versus literally thousands of heavy infantry mixed with archers who have armor piercing cross bows?

You’re really not going to win, no matter how many intimidating fires you set, or how many times you yell “RULES!!” or “RIDE!” or “BRA!” or “ROY!”

I still don’t know what the war cry is. I don’t think I ever will.

So, highlights: Lancelot? Dies. Arthur? Freaks out. Tristan? Dies. Everyone? Seems to be kind of okay with that.

Then Arthur and Guinevere get married and Lancelot turns into a horse and they all live happily ever after.

No, really.
 
 
Current Mood: quixoticquixotic
Current Music: King Arthur credits.
 
 
 
Alethia: I Salute Theealethialia on January 8th, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC)
::can't breathe::

OMG, funniest shit ever.

Merlin stands in the background, and looks sad about it. He may be sad because all of his men are blue. That would make me a little sad.

Yeah, it'd kinda suck presiding over a band of Smurfs. And that one Woad really did look like Kevin Spacey!

It’s the most amazing, “I AM SO YOUR WIFE” moment in the world.

::snickers::

They should all just do it on camera.

Oh, yes please. I am so with you on the hotness of Ioan/Lancelot. And leather pants!! This is why I love Jerry Bruckheimer so.

Best overview ever. Totally going in my memories.
pure FORESHADOWING: charisma!nifra_idril on January 9th, 2005 05:03 am (UTC)
*grins* I'm glad you enjoyed it! It was fun to write up, though, really, was an attempt to deal with the fact that I really do love that movie despite the INSANE amount of times I find myself being like, "OMG WTF!?!??" It's -- I'd like to blame it all on Ioan, I would.

But I just can't. *hangs head* And so I love, and then mock my love, and then love to mock my love.

That really made no sense, but I'm going to pretend like it did.
cmshaw: Curious Feelingcmshaw on January 8th, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC)
i think this is my favorite movie recap ever.
pure FORESHADOWING: big pimpin'nifra_idril on January 9th, 2005 05:04 am (UTC)
*grins* I do what I can, man.
Waiting at Crossroads: arthurhorseguede_mazaka on January 8th, 2005 11:27 pm (UTC)
You are a brilliant, brilliant satirist.

Oh, and as far as I can tell? The warcry is 'Rus.' Which technically covers the region where Sarmatia is, but nevertheless is the name of a Slavic-Viking confederation that about two centuries after KA takes over the top two-thirds of Asia which then becomes...yeah, Russia. From the 'Rus.'

And no, the Sarmatians aren't Russians. This movie so fucked with history.
pure FORESHADOWING: Mmm red duct tapenifra_idril on January 9th, 2005 05:08 am (UTC)
Dude! That makes so much sense! I was pretty sure that they were saying something with an 'RU' in it, but who really knows when they're screaming it that loudly, and all have so many different accents all at once.

I could see that they were definitely going for a weird Slavic/Viking thing with the knights -- Tristan was like a frickin' Magyar warrior, but in reality, it was also clear that they basically just had no idea where the bejaysus they wanted 'Sarmatia' to be. Is Sarmatia Mongolia or Romania? No one knows, least of all the poor, pretty, confused knights.

Also, PS, Glad you enjoyed it. *grins*
Waiting at Crossroads: hawk-ldhensonguede_mazaka on January 9th, 2005 06:39 am (UTC)
Tristan was like a frickin' Magyar warrior

You ever see a samurai movie? I can guarantee, you'll recognize Tristan's swagger and sword style from there.

And all the emphasis on the swords. *eyerolling* The real reason the Sarmatians were so deadly? The shooting-from-horseback ability. Not the bloody swords. Even though those do up Lancelot's booty-call factor.
Veronikakentucka on January 9th, 2005 12:08 am (UTC)
hilarious. this made my night.
friend laughed at me and said, the way you try to deny the Bors/Dagonet slash is like I try to resist Russel Crowe. she said it was cute. whatever.

I loved the movie, and I'm curious about the extended stuff, but this recap was brilliant. *applaudes*
pure FORESHADOWING: ak/hh unsinkable - crazyperfumenifra_idril on January 9th, 2005 05:10 am (UTC)
The extended version tries to make more sense, but largely just has better battle scenes. I had hoped for naked Lancelot/Guinevere/Arthur sex squirreled away in one of the edited scenes, but alas, it was not to be. I'm glad you enjoyed this, though!

Also, there *isn't* Bors/Dagonet. Dammit! *stomps foot, firmly, not cutely!*
Veronikakentucka on January 9th, 2005 01:53 pm (UTC)
oh, that icon! *swoons*

I see it from this side: if there is slash, I don't wanna know about it. :)
Sagesageness on January 9th, 2005 04:18 am (UTC)
You must recap EVERY movie like this!! Or at least the ones you can stand. Then I'll never have to watch anything again! *g*
pure FORESHADOWING: absolut!nifra_idril on January 9th, 2005 05:11 am (UTC)
*laughs and salutes* Ay yay, ma capitaine.
Dira Sudisdsudis on January 9th, 2005 04:44 am (UTC)
This was so funny it kind of made me want to see the movie again. Damn you! I just keep thinking maybe the DVD edition would make slightly more sense...
pure FORESHADOWING: my news is better than yours - foxletnifra_idril on January 9th, 2005 05:12 am (UTC)
Well, if by 'more sense' you mean 'more action sequences with pretty impressive fighting' then. Yes. Yes it does.

If you mean -- substantive plot changes, then, sadly, no. No it does not.

I still find it really freakishly enjoyable though.
Erika Sanely: Lancelot3 by acetylinerika_sanely on January 9th, 2005 09:14 am (UTC)
I always figured the war cry was either "Broods!" (as in - us leaving and killing people will make people brood and be sad. It'll suck to be them!!) or "Broads!" (as in - we're off to find us some chicks who get off on men covered in sweat and blood and can use swords in interesting ways)

Arthur and Lancelot were so doing it.

He says they sacrificed goats and danced naked. I’m not anti-that. I’d like to see footage, in fact. Dude! Yes!! I was most upset that they was no montage of the guys doing this before a battle. To, you know, get the grace of the sacrificed goat and help them win. It's probably because Arthur was too busy getting busy that they ran out of time for the nudie dance.
too many shiny glitter: they call me mr bushlifeinwords on January 10th, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
*dies and is dead*

Thank god. Now I don't have to see the movie, only screencaps and clips on your 'Disk Of All Ioan Hotness Evah Immortalised On Screen or Page.'


Wait. You mean you're NOT compiling those for mass distribution and shrine-building? WHY ON EARTH NOT, WOMAN?!?!

William is chastising you. He was going to yell 'Fire!' at you, but you don't deserve it.
Vera: stampcopracat on April 22nd, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
musesfool sent me here. I have laughed until I am dead. Dead. From laughter.