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21 February 2005 @ 06:19 pm
Mixed message, anyone?  
I wanted to do a post where I typed up beautiful things I've read; poems, favorite passages of books, just really lovely language. But this is not that post, largely because I'm lacking energy like nobody's business.

The next week or so I'm not going to be around, but I'm here all alone tonight, and I'm already desperately bored, and looking for ways to entertain myself that have nothing to do with the three papers I really should be writing as they're due in like, three hours. I'm just waaay too tired for that right now, and I don't seem to have my head screwed on right as I've been a righteous bitch more or less all day.

You know those days where you just find yourself descending slowly into an absolutely heinous and horrid funk and you suddenly are in class and talking and you realize your mouth is moving and that the words coming out of it are -- well, the words themselves are borderline fine but the tone is kind of really terrible? Yeah, that's the kind of day today has been.

It sucks when you remember suddenly that you're not really the person you hoped you were. I mean, I realize that about 75 times out of a 100 I can be a complete asshole. These are thngs that a person really has to own about themself, and I have been known to start dates/relationships by saying, "Just so you know, I'm a real bastard a lot of the time" because it's true and I am. But I still had hoped that I was a little bit less utterly awful than I was today to a couple of people -- it's like I'm 15 all over again and all of my excess hostility is leaking out like so much, I don't know, biohazardous material.

Yeesh.

But it always makes me remember who I want to be, which is a nice thing. Because that's the sort of thing that makes me go over to people after I've been really just straight up terrible to them and apologize and say I didn't mean it, and I was unfair, and you know, whether they believe me or not, that's not what matters. I said I was sorry, and I'm going to just -- try really hard and not be an ass from now on. Which gets hard when there's a lot going on, because my default emotion is anger, and when I'm angry I can be a *bear*. A rabid one.

Possibly a rabid panda.

Anyway. All of that having been said *cough* I'm going to invite any lurkers to say hi and tell me about themselves and that kind of stuff, because really after reading a post about how much of a bitch I am, don't you feel comfortable? *makes face at self* My timing, she is stellar.

No, but really. Hi guys! Tell me about yourselves, your dogs, your weather, your preferences in underwear or condiments or breath fresheners, or anything you want to say at all. If you want to post anonymously, that's cool too. Just, you know. Drop me a line and let me get to know a little somethin' somethin' about you.
 
 
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
 
 
 
Serafinaserafina20 on February 21st, 2005 11:40 pm (UTC)
Wow. I've been there so many times, with the realizing that I'm not the kind of person I wish I was. Life is one reinvention and revision of yourself after another.
pure FORESHADOWING: Deathnifra_idril on February 21st, 2005 11:48 pm (UTC)
*nods* That's really true. It's just that -- you know. After you unthinkingly really hurt someone's feelings like that, you have to step back and say, "Wow. Okay things with me might not be going well, but I had absolutely no right to do that" and you just feel awful, which is kind of where I am right now. I just honestly didn't realize that I had been as callous as I was today in my class, and was really shocked by myself when I realized what had gone on.

But - I guess it gives you the chance to take stock of yourself, and think about how you can be better about things in the future. Because, really, I as much of a jerk as I can be, I don't really want to go around hurting people's feelings.

*laughs a little* Man, on days like today I am just so grateful that I have a journal and a place to vent like this. Thank you hon, for listening and understanding. *hugs*
Half of what I say is meaninglessfarwing on February 21st, 2005 11:53 pm (UTC)
Well, with an invitation like that... :)

My default setting is mock, and sometimes I forget that and end up being quite unintentionally bitchy. So...er...I am all about the mixed messages.

I just got back from Florida, where I had been for a wedding. The wedding was lovely- short and sweet and genuine. I drank a bit too much (I am a lightweight) and I danced like a madwoman. I had the loudest laugh in the entire room, as usual.

There is a plastic bag filled with shells and rocks from the beach sitting in my backpack, waiting to be washed and sorted. It all seems a bit unreal, as it was snowing when I came back from the airport. But I took four days worth of notes (I take notes on everything) so I know that it was real. (I wrote about it, therefore it happened? That's not just fuzzy logic, it's positively moldy.)

I found your journal through due South fandom, and I found due South fandom through theodosia. I quite enjoy reading your fic.

Good luck on the papers.
(Deleted comment)
lalejandra on February 22nd, 2005 12:08 am (UTC)
Hello, I lurk, and I am a complete bitch too. Nice to meet you. Perhaps you ought to be a rabid koala, as they are cute, fluffy, and cruel. My default emotion is also anger, and I too tend to leak hostility. I've learned to control it, because I've had to, for work, but I'm still a complete bitch inside, where it really counts.

Um. Something about me that isn't about anger: I'm vegan, but I smoke, and sometimes I really miss Sicilian style pizza.
open to ideas: at peacesoullux on February 22nd, 2005 02:59 am (UTC)
I'm a new lurker! Actually, not a lurker at all, because I'm not the lurking type. Just newly here. And way too close to sleep to make any sense right now. *eyes the time - dammit*

Hadn't realised I was friending a rabid panda, but hey, it could be a rabid polar bear, which would be worse. Just...

OK, the first thing to know is that asking for random stuff about me always makes me go totally blank. Like, can't even remember my name kind of blank.

*thinks for about 10 minutes*

I grew up in mountains where there was snow all winter, and I miss that badly. So whenever we get the tiniest bit of snow, I have to go out in bare feet just to make the most of it. There you go - that was illuminating, right?! *g*
peeps wanna see peeps boink: otpmusesfool on February 22nd, 2005 03:24 am (UTC)
*hugs*
Elle E'Trois: AngerMgmt-via ALAXelleesttrois on February 22nd, 2005 04:23 am (UTC)
Wow! Are you channeling me? As long as you're not having car fights
with strangers at 90 mph on a crowded freeway, because the dick ran up your ass while you were trying to merge onto the freeway, I think you can
recover.

As for the papers, good luck. I have one paper to write to graduate
and it's been nearly 10 years. Yep. I'm a dope. No advice on that
front.

Medication, though, can sometimes rein in the ultra-bitchiness. Or liquor.
Qqe2 on February 22nd, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
Furious with my dog right now, as he cannot seem to quit peeing all over my apartment and I don't notice it on the beigeness of the carpet until it's too late to clean. (Sitting on the floor in my house is not fun right now.) Always been a fan of Honeycup mustard and Clancy's Fancy hot sauce (the latter of which I am almost out of, which is depressing me greatly). Never got the hang of tap pants. Big Altoids booster.

*pets you*
(Deleted comment)
Granny Weatherwax: barely repressedmetamorphogenic on February 23rd, 2005 07:39 am (UTC)
Kudos to you for noticing and being so honest about your bitchiness. Takes all the sting out of it. I suspect that Nifra-Sue wouldn't be the same without it though, so don't knock it too hard. *hugs Nifra-Sue* Long live the snark!

I sometimes think my default setting is control-freak bully, with a heaping side of passive-aggressive biatch. But I'm learning to channel my rage in constructive ways, and I've found that it can be quite the motivating force if you can maintain a self-awareness about it. And... I'm just remembering that I told my new crush that I'm perfectly capable of stomping around like a 4-year-old Mussolini at times. *facepalms*

OK, and all that had nothing to do with dogs or condiments... see what you get for all that sharing? On the subject of condiments then, I have a serious problem with them. And so does my room mate. It's so serious, we actually broke one of the shelves in my refrigerator from condiment overload. We went through a brief period of tearfully flushing all the condiments down the toilet, but after we started getting the shakes, we hurried back out to the condiment dealer (after duct-taping the shelf in the fridge), and now have even more condiments than before. It's a sad, sad story.
luthorienneluthorienne on February 23rd, 2005 05:34 pm (UTC)
{{{nifra}}}

Having to apologize to people is mostly why I stopped being a bitch TO people, though I haven't stopped being a bitch, by any means. This morning, our accountant snapped me off at the knees, and just called me back to apologize and say she's a little stressed because she's missing about $3 million. So, you thought YOU were having a bad day...

;o)

Oh, and that bad-tone-in-class thing? I snarked myself right out of the English department, back in the day.

These days, I have a kitten, a husband, a dozen roses on my desk that have lasted AMAZINGLY well since Valentine's Day, some red pepper jelly that my mother-in-law makes that I would put on EVERYTHING if I could, and Sing, Sing, Sing on the CD player. So it could be worse.

I hope today is better. FWIW, I'd be surprised if any of us is who s/he expected to be. I expected to have won a Pulitzer by now.
Kim: nonono see [elishavah]simplelyric on March 5th, 2005 05:09 am (UTC)
I climbed three different pyramids in Mexico some years back. When you get up that high, you expect the world to look small, because, of course, people on the ground look tiny. But standing on the tip of something that expands below you, something that thrusts you into the sky -- it makes the world look gigantic and amazing.