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13 April 2005 @ 10:52 pm
Confessions of a Desperately Messy Fiend  
The thing about laundry is that it is laughably easy to do. Laundry uses basic skills that we honed in pre-kindergarten, even in kindergarten. Honestly, if we were still five years old? We would love doing laundry, we wouldn't be able to get enough of doing laundry. We'd bother people until they let us do it, tugging at their sleeves and saying "Please, please, please!"

In order to do laundry? You do the following things: Sort your clothes into piles. The piles are sometimes "dark" and "white" and sometimes "really dirty" and "could wait another couple of days." Then you take those clothes, and you carry them to a laundramat, where you then put the clothes into a box. You pour an amount of sticky liquid on top of them, choose a setting, put in quarters and then you have approximately forty eight minutes to do whatever the hell you want.

You could play tennis. You could read a book. You could commit highway robbery, as long as you're back in a little under an hour.

So then, you take your clothes and then put them into another box, and wait a full hour. The hardest work involved in doing laundry? Is carrying them and dropping them. Doing laundry is a lot like being a human claw-game.

You don't have to scrub it over a washboard, or stir it in a vat of boiling lye, or even really touch it that much. You pick it up, you carry it, you dump it, you wait. Then you pick it up, you take two steps, you dump it, you wait.

This is not a high impact sport.

But honestly, the level of dread that laundry inspires in me would make you think that I had to carry fifty pounds of it through enemy territory while linebackers on PCP tackled me from trees and screamed like pumas in my ear.

I hate laundry maybe even more than I hate meatloaf. This is to say, quite a goddamned lot.

But I've reached That Point. You know the one? Where your room is suddenly a hilly place, with mounds of clothes ranging from 'burn me now, I carry pestilence' to 'hey! look! it can stand on it's own!' and you find yourself squinting at a pair of ill-fitting jeans with a mustard stain on the knee, and a shirt that's two sizes too small and missing a button, and wondering if you wear a tank top underneath it, and ratty sneakers with the jeans, maybe you'll look punk instead of just unkempt.

In my mind, I've swept my room, vacuumed my carpet, cleaned my surfaces, and changed the light bulbs all over. In reality, I've sort of -- waved my hands in the general direction of all of these things and said "Room, heal thyself" and "Clothing, launder thyself."

Shockingly? This is not working.

It's at moments like these I realize my grandparents had several kids a piece at my age, and then I shudder to think of anyone entrusting a human being to someone anything like me. Seriously, if I had children right now? I wouldn't even know it, they'd be lost in the slew of despond that is my overflowing closet.
 
 
Current Mood: dirtydirty
Current Music: Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin
 
 
 
suzycatsuzycat on April 14th, 2005 02:58 am (UTC)
See, to me laundry is:

Put dirty laundry in order of importance (ie, what do I most need) in washing machine. Add detergent. Lower lid, twist knob. Return mid-cycle to lift lid and put lid back down again several times in order to restart it. Eventually give up and bypass spray cycle in order to make machine work.

Take out wet washing. Hang outside on line, trying not to drop it in the dirt. Or, arrange on heater in flagrant violation of "do not cover" instruction. Pine for dryer.

And housework is:

Notice untidiness of house. Despair. Go out and spend money on food elsewhere.
pure FORESHADOWING: Bobcatitude!nifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:06 pm (UTC)
See, I don't even know about any of these 'cycle' things you're talking about. This is how elementary my grasp of laundry is. *laughs* To me, there's the -- on cycle. And the off cycle.
Bella: Fraser Victoria lie to meabelladonna on April 14th, 2005 03:10 am (UTC)
See, I actually don't really mind doing laundry. Except... our friggin' dryer is sort of broken. Which means, of course, that you have to dry even the tiniest load THREE FRIGGIN' TIMES TO GET IT ANYWHERE NEAR DRY. When you are trying to go more than one load of laundry, or a large load, this is exhausting and frustrating.

In fact, I must do laundry tomorrow. I'm almost out of socks. I will rewear many things, but not underwear or socks. So, I do laundry when I run out of one of those things. Unless I'm going through a "responsible" phase, in which I do it a load at a time instead of letting it build up.

God, yeah, too much information, huh? Sorry 'bout that. Vaguely drunk.
pure FORESHADOWING: CRAZY EYES!nifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
Socks and underwear are the reason to laundry. I mean jeans, shirts, jackets, pajamas -- these things can all stand up to quite a few wearings. But socks and underwear? *shudders delicately* No thank you.

That's part of why I wish I could only ever wear flip-flops; no socks to wash! Oh, socks. How I loathe you.
Sage: irresistiblesageness on April 14th, 2005 03:14 am (UTC)
*points wand*

SCOURGIFY!!!
pure FORESHADOWING: big pimpin'nifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
God, I wish. *grins*
teaphile on April 14th, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
I enjoy laundry when I have my own machines in my own home. I like tasks that have clear results. Clothes are dirty, then they are clean and warm and smell like pine.

I despise having to use public laundry. I hate getting there and not finding a free machine. I hate people who do five loads at once and take up all the machines, or who leave their wet clothes in the machines for hours on end. I don't believe in removing other people's clothes from the machines and I loathe it when they do it to me, especially if I'm only a minute or two late in catching the machine as it stops. I hate people who put dryer sheets in my dryer--thinking they're being helpful--because I have asthma, so then I have to wash everything again.

My husband does all the laundry these days.
pure FORESHADOWING: charisma!nifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:10 pm (UTC)
I like tasks that have clear results.

See, I like results, but I don't like performing tasks. I am El Numero Uno Lazy. *grins*
Jack Pridejack_pride on April 14th, 2005 05:21 am (UTC)
Word.
pure FORESHADOWING: brad sexnifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:10 pm (UTC)
1) Shane=Way Hot.
2) I'm glad you feel me, sista.
Celli: avoiding workcelli on April 14th, 2005 05:29 am (UTC)
My washer and dryer are roughly seven feet from my bedroom, and still? I hate laundry.

Not as much as dishes, though. bleah.
pure FORESHADOWING: Clark RHPSnifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:12 pm (UTC)
Dishes, I do. See, I make myself do them. But I do do them. I just can't stand a dirty (note that I did not say messy just then) kitchen. It kills me to think of eating from less than pristine surfaces.
The Gauche in the Machinechina_shop on April 14th, 2005 06:11 am (UTC)
But I've reached That Point. You know the one? Where your room is suddenly a hilly place, with mounds of clothes ranging from 'burn me now, I carry pestilence' to 'hey! look! it can stand on it's own!' and you find yourself squinting at a pair of ill-fitting jeans with a mustard stain on the knee, and a shirt that's two sizes too small and missing a button, and wondering if you wear a tank top underneath it, and ratty sneakers with the jeans, maybe you'll look punk instead of just unkempt.

This paragraph makes me very happy. (Sorry, I know that's not particularly sympathetic to your plight.) :)
pure FORESHADOWING: rayk/fraser psst - tararnifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:12 pm (UTC)
*laughs* Well, I'm glad my plight is at least amusing.
r1cepudding on April 14th, 2005 07:34 am (UTC)
*laughs and laughs* I too suffer from the the curse of the undulating bedroom landscape. I feel your pain.

Also, you're hilarious. Can I metaquotes this?
pure FORESHADOWING: Niflet!nifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:14 pm (UTC)
Go ahead, if you'd like, my dear, but first:

*slaps party hat on your head, and feeds you cake while singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR BEXY at the top of her lungs because BABY, You're ACES and today is your day!!!!!!* Mwah! Love you!
r1cepudding on April 19th, 2005 08:28 am (UTC)
Done!

And thank you. *snugs forever*
caress your associative mind: baseball=yay!mindyfromohio on April 14th, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
I call it "Critical Laundry Mass," which is reached when there is not one single pair of underwear left in the drawer, even after you've gone through the ones that your mother would be ashamed of had you been in an accident.
pure FORESHADOWING: absolut!nifra_idril on April 14th, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC)
Socks and underwear, my friend. Socks and underwear will be the undoing of us all.
perfect_beakerperfect_beaker on April 19th, 2005 08:34 am (UTC)
"...In my mind, I've swept my room, vacuumed my carpet, cleaned my surfaces, and changed the light bulbs all over. In reality, I've sort of -- waved my hands in the general direction of all of these things and said "Room, heal thyself" and "Clothing, launder thyself."..."

That's my method for the entire house XD!!
Etxt_eva on April 19th, 2005 08:49 am (UTC)
laundry= what you do when the febreze works no more...

Garrett Fitzgeraldsarekofvulcan on April 19th, 2005 02:00 pm (UTC)
*applause*

*followed by chagrin at the all-too-accurate picture of his bedroom*