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11 August 2005 @ 02:07 am
I do this only because I am bribed. For seperis.

It wasn't until after the third time that Rodney poked his eye on John's headset while they were making out that they realized they'd taken to wearing them pretty much all the time, and after that John became obsessed with the idea. He'd be doing inventory and thinking, "Right now I could be talking dirty to McKay and no one would know but me," and even though he wasn't doing much jerking off alone these days, the whole headset phone-sex thing became a favorite fantasy.

Which is why what actually happened was such a disappointment.

"I'm sorry, I just really don't understand waht that has to do with --," Rodney's voice crackled over the headset, and John gritted his teeth and glared at the ceiling as he toyed with the button on his jeans.

"McKay," he said slowly, "What. Are. You. Wearing?"

"-- I mean, I'm trying to solve a pretty important problem here and unless you like the idea of floating through raw sewage to get to the control room, then you can --"

"Is it the grey boxers or the white ones?" he asked, losing patience. "I think the white ones make your ass look --"

Rodney inhaled sharply and said, "OH! Oh, okay, I get it - what am I *wearing*, okay, okay then hang on a second, I'm wearing -- this is really kind of stupid, you know, because you saw me ten minutes ago and I haven't changed but --"

John threw a pillow across the room. "Do you want to do this or not?"

"Yes! This! Yes!" Rodney answered immediately. "Okay. Ask me again."

"What are you wearing?" he repeated for perhaps the ninth time.

Rodney hummed thoughtfully before saying, "The white boxers. Under the pants you saw earlier, the grey ones. And, uh, the black t-shirt. Which I spilled coffee on, so it's kind of clammy right now, but that's not that sexy is it? And hey, why haven't we done this before? If we did this more often I would be able to get off and not leave the lab, which would up efficiency and --"

"Okay, you know what? I don't even want to do this anymore," John sighed. "I just thought --"

"No, no, no, let's do this, I'm wearing the grey pants, the black shirt, the white boxers, and uhm, I'm ah -- twisting my nipples through my shirt," Rodney said quickly.

"Okay, that's good, that's good, do it," John thought a second, "do it really light, really gentle and then --" there was a clicking noise on the other end, and John narrowed his eyes as he heard it again. Unmistakeably the sound of computer keys and that was really just too much.

"You are not twisting your nipples at all," John accused, and it was absurd to sound hurt but he probably did, "you're typing!"

"I am not!" Rodney protested. "Well, okay, maybe with one hand, but --"

John closed his eyes and starting banging his head against the mattress of his bed.

"Listen, listen, John, I want to suck your cock. I want to talk to you about how much I want to suck your cock. I"m in a -- a -- wild frenzy, and I want to -- oh, okay. Thought occuring: do you think this is safe to do, because Kavanagh can probably record this with that little machine of his if he wants to and you've got the whole don't ask, don't tell thing and I don't really want the whole science department to know that I was pretending to twist my nipples. Kavanagh would do it, too, that useless weasel, he certainly isn't spending his time working on ---"

"I really, really hate you," John said tiredly into his headset before turning it off and throwing it at the wall.
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Celli: Sheppardcelli on August 11th, 2005 06:09 am (UTC)

So true.
Seperisseperis on August 11th, 2005 06:21 am (UTC)

God. That just--so *true*.
The sanest lunatic you've ever met: by sdwolfpup: pretty boy smilesdwolfpup on August 11th, 2005 06:24 am (UTC)
My first SGA fic! And - hee - it was excellent. Rodney kills me.
Clyde: shep lindir_jaxsuzvoy on August 11th, 2005 06:26 am (UTC)
Poor John ;)
Annie: Geekgasm!out_there on August 11th, 2005 06:49 am (UTC)
And hey, why haven't we done this before? If we did this more often I would be able to get off and not leave the lab, which would up efficiency and --"


Oh, man. That's the unsexiest phone-sex ever. Which, honestly, is saying quite a bit.
Veronikakentucka on August 11th, 2005 06:59 am (UTC)
hilarious! and yeah, probably one of the most in-character phone sex stories ever *ggg*
Yavanna: Sexy smirk - John by mmmchelleyavannauk on August 11th, 2005 07:02 am (UTC)
*dies* Poor John!
InkAnaitisinkanaitis on August 11th, 2005 07:06 am (UTC)
This is so ridiculously in character. I could never see Rodney pulling off successful phone-sex without maybe serious amounts of alcohol or a script involved. <3
Damned Colonialdamned_colonial on August 11th, 2005 07:22 am (UTC)
I'm not much with the SGA, but I got a few snerks out of this :)
Vera: with hands made surecopracat on August 11th, 2005 07:52 am (UTC)
Hee! The perils of headsetsex!
Wychwood: SGA - McShep disbeliefwychwood on August 11th, 2005 08:08 am (UTC)
This is hilarious. And so very, very in character. Brilliant.
misspamela: Smirk - Chellemisspamela on August 11th, 2005 10:26 am (UTC)
Bwah! That's perfect! *giggles*

Yaaaaay, you're writing SGA!
Half of what I say is meaninglessfarwing on August 11th, 2005 10:33 am (UTC)
*grin* Perfect first-thing-in-the-morning fic! :)
All mighty voices in my head, I'll never doubt you: McKay_wait(icon_ascension)burningchaos on August 11th, 2005 11:08 am (UTC)
*dies* Poor John and yeah that was so IC. Perfect in fact.
astolatastolat on August 11th, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing* Poor John! And so, so true.
ReginaGiraffereginagiraffe on August 11th, 2005 12:23 pm (UTC)
LOL! Oh, so true. Rodney would *suck* at phone sex.
Gunbunny: genius at workburntcopper on August 11th, 2005 12:29 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous) on August 11th, 2005 01:23 pm (UTC)
Hee! You should have a spew warning! I snorted diet coke at 8:00 AM and it's all your fault!!!


This? Is so true.

You really got the voices down!

Isis: bite meisiscolo on August 11th, 2005 02:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, hee. Rodney fails at being sexy.
ship_recs on August 11th, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC)
haha, this is great. Poor John. =)

Here via misspamela
sooo many copper pots: I'll be in my bunkthecomfychair on August 11th, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)
ahaha worst. headset sex. ever. Poor John :D
Condemned by the Space Pope: phwoar!metron_ariston on August 11th, 2005 03:20 pm (UTC)
*wheezing* Rodney = fail. You = win.
Amalthia: Jayneamothea on August 11th, 2005 03:32 pm (UTC)
lol, this was funny. :) thanks so much for sharing. :)
The Alpha Beta: Hee!diluvian on August 11th, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
OMG too funny!
Shonaillekalikahuntress on August 11th, 2005 06:37 pm (UTC)
Lol, oh Rodney your such an ass and poor,poor John, his boyfriend is so hopeless and dense. This was fun and they were totally in character, great job:)
Tehomettehomet on August 11th, 2005 06:37 pm (UTC)
It's funny because it's true. :) Nice one.
(Deleted comment)
Resonantresonant8 on August 11th, 2005 07:39 pm (UTC)
Oh, man. Only Rodney would get caught working when he was supposed to be having phone sex.
What the hell is up with the mummy?!: SGA rightserialkarma on August 11th, 2005 08:23 pm (UTC)
I love you.
You're out of adventures :(: lookup shep by maryavatarclaire on August 12th, 2005 12:36 am (UTC)
Ophelia Coelridgedaemonluna on August 12th, 2005 07:19 am (UTC)
Oh, god. Still giggling insanely.
Kit: i love you mancoloredink on August 12th, 2005 09:58 am (UTC)
BWAH HA HA HA oh God that was perfect.
(Deleted comment)
Greeking the Textlipsum on August 12th, 2005 02:07 pm (UTC)
sarren: sex objectsarren on August 13th, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC)
omg that is SO rodney,

I love this line especially 'I"m in a -- a -- wild frenzy, and I want to -- oh, okay. Thought occuring: do you think this is safe to do'
Your Liaison Officer with the Innuendo Squad: i shot him (by me and idea by enigel)direaliete on August 19th, 2005 10:08 pm (UTC)
I'm here via seperis and I loved your story :)
So hilarious it made me giggle continuously!

Unmistakeably the sound of computer keys and that was really just too much.
Ahh, poor John! Rodney's really not in the mood, is he? :P

Spubba: YAYspubba on August 20th, 2005 06:30 pm (UTC)
You have their voices down so well (especially Rodney) and this was so funny! Thanks for sharing it!
(Anonymous) on August 22nd, 2005 07:45 pm (UTC)

*Hee hee hee*

Unarticulate but true: I just spend a full minute and a half laughing like a loon...

the opposite of batmanpearl_o on August 31st, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC)
I heart you.
sjkasabi: sleepy geek by Chellesjkasabi on September 1st, 2005 02:33 pm (UTC)

*loves Rodney*
Fenris Wolffenris_wolf0 on September 14th, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)

Thank you, this was hilarious and so true to life... :)
(Deleted comment)
Devil Doll: mcshepdevildoll on October 7th, 2005 05:50 pm (UTC)

And this is *exactly* how it would happen, too.

You rule.
(Deleted comment)
terrible_tues_3 on April 29th, 2011 11:23 am (UTC)
untitled fic about incompetent phone sex
I thought you should know that this 5.5 year old fic is still being read and enjoyed. I saw it mentioned at http://green-grrl.livejournal.com/36001.html Thanks for keeping it available.
terrible_tues_3 on April 29th, 2011 11:41 am (UTC)
Re: untitled fic about incompetent phone sex
P.S. You should put this on your website so more people will find it. Now I wonder what else I've missed!