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10 January 2006 @ 06:03 pm
For norah: Cookies and neuroses!  
I'm eating cookies right now anyway - MMWD, are you psychic? Are you?

Cookie Cookie Cookie Starts with C!!!

5. Oatmeal Raisin-- I resent these cookies somewhat, because I always get thrown off and think they're chocolate chip and then suddenly I'm like, "Oh, you taste like a hot breakfast! How did that happen?" Plus, they're only good if they're really thin and fresh, though they are good then. The ones with preservatives are like bleacugh. And you can quote me on that.

4. Chocolate Chocolate Chip - I'm talking about the ones that are made with chocolate batter and then also have chocolate chips. Particularly the ones with white chocolate chips. There's only a certain time when these are pleasing to me. But when that time rolls around they're totally delicious. Otherwise, they're too decadently chocolatey for me, plus, white chocolate is wrong.

3. Sugar Cookies - Delicious when you eat them, but they leave a strange, strong aftertaste, and you're all 'Whoa, man, why is it like my tongue is all swollen and my mouth is strangely chalky?' I think they may be a very minor form of bio-warfare. But a totally succulent one.

2. Carr's Lemon Ginger Tea Cookies - I wasn't going to name any kind of brand name cookies, becuase when you do that, you have to acknowledge that Oreos are the evil cookie overlords, watching from their dictator perch and making the other cookies weep while marching in step. But I have to. Because I love these cookies. I love them with a passion somewhat unholy. They have bite! And yet are sweet! They're crunchy and creamy! They go with tea! They go by themselves! It's like a circus!

1. Chocolate Chip - It's a classic, and you can't really go wrong with a classic. The dough is sweet, the chocolate is sweeter, and when you get them fresh out of the oven and they're all melty in your mouth and kind of soft in the middle and they leave streaks of chocolate all over your hands...man. I want one right now.

1a. Darth Oreo. You know, I know, we all know, that if I didn't actually go ahead and put it on this list, they'd find me in the night and put me in the cookie gulag.




Relationship Neuroses

5. Martyrdom - Hand in hand with passive aggression goes martyrdom. Ahh, martyrdom. Yes, I do so love this one. On the one hand, martyrdom allows you, as the non martyr, to basically do whatever you want and constantly get your way, and yes. Yes, Virginia, I do like to get my way. But on the other hand, there is nothing quite like martyrdom to put a person's teeth on edge. What I like to do when I encounter martyrdom is see how far I can make it go. It's a fun game, and one everybody who doesn't really have much of a stake in their relationship should try. Start slow, with things like, "Honey, I know you wanted to go out tonight, but I thought maybe instead we could watch Braveheart." or "Darling, I know you're reading that graphic novel right now, but would you mind if I stole it just long enough to read it? I'll get it back to you in a week!" From there, you can pretty much anywhere. Stealing food off the plate, getting them to do your laundry/dishes. And eventually, either you'll figure out that you're with the human equivalent of a doormat, or they'll breakdown and finally explode and you can have an actual conversation and they'll start expressing their own desires.

Granted, I've never made it that far - it's like how many licks to the center of a tootsie pop. I tend to explode first and say things like, "OH MY GOD DO YOU HAVE NO BACKBONE?" which -- yeah. Goes over great. So you guys should clearly definitely take my relationship advice. Really.

4. Passive Agression - Ain't nothing like a little passive agression to start the day off wrong. This is a nice one, because everyone does it sometimes, and because it doesn't matter who you are, everyone in the whole wide world can manage that tone -- you know the one -- that makes the word "Fine" sound like a declaration of war. It's just so universal.

3. Being uncommunicative - Or, as I like to think of it, waiting for the psychics to come in and fix things. I mean - just think about it. You've got a problem, and don't really want to vocalize it, so you wait until a magic travelling fair of psychics wanders through your life like gypsies, and then one of them - possibly the one with the monkey and the juggling and the bells on his belt, I always like to think - does a back flip and says, "Oh-ho! Your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever is angry with you because you spilled vinagarette all over his/her/whatever favorite green sweater and ruined it!" and then does another backflip, and runs out of the room, maybe juggling in tandem with his monkey. All you'd be able to do is stare at the space they were, look over at your SO, and start to laugh helplessly because - juggling monkeys! And then there would be the apologies and the "Really, I'll get it dry cleaned for you" and there you have it. Problem resolved, and without any of the nasty fighting that communication can sometimes cause.

Sadly, this rarely happens. Usually it tends to make anything a five point problem, wherein you tell Person A what your SO did, and then Person A either tells Person B who mentions it to your SO, or tells your SO themselve and then your SO tells you and you have to deal with so many more people than before, and it's just a mess.

I like the psychics better.

2. Commitmentphobia! - This one is my pocket neurosis, the one I carry with me everywhere. Recently, I commited to a shampoo. Jon Frieda Brilliant Brunette and I have been together for about half a year now, and things are working out beautifully, but sometimes I worry -- will Jon Frieda Brilliant Brunette leave me? Will I find a better shampoo? Should I tie myself down so young? Is this forever? Sometimes I'm tempted by other shampoos. A few months ago, I tried a new one, and it just wasn't the same. Jon Frieda Brilliant Brunette forgave me, but I think my hair hasn't quite been the same since.

This is the level of commitmentphobia I generally tend to show. People are like, "I think I really care about you," and I get fidgety, and then make a break for the door. It's really, really pretty predictable most of the time. The finest of self-sabotage. Truly.

What I like best about commitmentphobia is that it has so many different causes. There's trust issues/abandonment issues/insecurity/firefly phobia even, maybe. It's brilliant.

1. Paranoid Obsession! - Oh, this one is just plain fun. The way the brain riots through all the possible things that might be happening as you will the phone to ring is one of the finer points of being a human being. Reality and paranoid obsessive behavior have very little in common with one another.

Reality: Nobody calls when they say they will, least of all you (me), and you realize this in your saner moments.

Paranoid Obsessive Thought Process: He has been kidnapped by cruel Sea Monkeys, and was struggling against their cruel king, Lord Seagarth, when he was saved by barebreasted female vikings on Clydesdales who have made him their cult leader. Now they're all having a massive berserker orgy, and after they'll stroke each other's faces tenderly while reading The Watchmen out loud to one another and listening to Iron & Wine and all of them wearing exact duplicas of the shirt you think of as your shirt.





And, for anyone else who wants a top 5 list - which I hope more people do, because man, was that fun - go on and let me know here.
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: the x-files
 
 
 
Wychwood: Arch - Joneswychwood on January 11th, 2006 11:18 am (UTC)
Those were fantastic :) I laughed so hard.
(Deleted comment)
Greeking the Text: eating (due South) by rhythmsextionlipsum on January 12th, 2006 04:54 am (UTC)
Your neuroses are the *best*.