Me: You're so pretty.
Horatio: I missed my chance at love. You have to write about it, you understand. I can't be suffering this way without recompense of some sort.
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just that you're -- you're so very pretty.
Horatio: Don't I remind you of J. Alfred Prufrock?
Me: Do you really have thinning hair? Because it looks luxuriant and curly.
Horatio: Stop touching my hair, and write, damn you!
Me: Right. Yes. Stop -- I will stop. I'm stopping now. I -- god, you're pretty.
Horatio: *facepalms* I really hate you.
Me: Don't cover your face!
2. Chloe: I want you to understand that I'm not comfortable with the way you keep trying to blow me up.
Me: The first time was AlMiles!
Lex: Don't blow Chloe up! She's my friend! My only friend! Oh, God, I need you, Chloe!
Chloe: Yeah, I know.
Lex: *clings to Chloe*
Me: Why are you so needy all of a sudden?
Chloe: Lex, Lex, you're cutting off circulation.
Lex: Need you.
Chloe: Could you maybe sedate him?
Me: How is it that I only have a page of this and it is already so trouble some?
Chloe: Beats me.
3. Lionel: Well, now -- we find ourselves at an impasse, I believe.
Lionel: You can't proceed without my cooperation.
Me: *chants to self* Show no weakness, show no weakness.
Lionel: You're in no danger, not from me.
Me: You're a horrendous sociopath! I know I'm in danger from you! Look what you did to the poor original character!
*points at bound and gagged prison psychologist who wimpers*
Lionel: He was insolent.
Me: This story is just too dangerous.
Lionel: You wouldn't be threatening to abandon me would you? I'd find that very...distressing.
4. Ray: See, it's like this: me and Fraser, we're fighting, and you have promised us sex, but this is all just pretend sex because you haven't even written us fighting yet. You haven't written anything, which, okay, I get you've been busy, but you gotta step up, Nif.
Me: *kicks dirt* I know.
Fraser: I believe what Ray's trying to say is that we have some concerns regarding the intensity of your attachment to this story, as we ourselves are rather...obliged to care as to how it turns out.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, obliged to care. *Obliged*, like I'd be you know, *obliged* if I could maybe get *him* naked and sweaty on my bed.
Me: *kicks dirt* I know.
Ray: So what -- what's the problem?
Me: ...writing is hard.
5. Me: I've never cared about you before, you know.
Draco: Is that a threat?
Me: Just a statement of fact.
Draco: You care about me now.
Me: Kind of.
Draco: You do.
Me: I didn't mean to!
Draco: You care about me now and will now write fic about me.
Me: My, aren't we sure of ourselves?
Draco: Yes. Yes we are.