?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
09 September 2004 @ 01:03 am
dS Fic: Chicago Winter: Night  
This is not the monstrous hideousness that I am writing for pearl_o but it *is* the first thing I've managed to write...in what feels like years. So yay team me! Also, pearl_o where are you? I want to show you something monstrous and hideous.

*cough* And on to the business at hand.

Title: Chicago Winter: Night
Pairing: Rayk/Fraser


Ray pulls his parka tight, and sits on the stoop in front of his house, looks at his hands in the thin greenish light. Like the rest of him, they’re pretty skinny and beat up.

He’s got all these little scars on his knuckles – raised and white, like little commas and crescents. Like those tribal tattoos that people get in Africa or something, only they’re on his hands and not his cheeks, but Ray figures they’re coming-of-age marks just the same. Half of them he got when he was young anyway, working his way up to manhood.

One or two are from falling off his bike, back when he’d ride it down the street fast as he could and then jump the little ramp that the Andersons’ had. To impress girls, even though when he was eleven, twelve, thirteen he hadn’t been really sure why he’d wanted to impress them so much. And then there are the ones he got being an idiot and hitting walls – which he used to think was some kind of statement. Some kind of tough guy badge, like by taking on the wall he’d proved that he was invincible or something.

Mainly all he’d managed to prove was that his hand could break just like anyone else’s, and that kind of makes him chuckle.

His fingers all sort of bend left. Sometimes when he looks at them for too long, he can practically see the way the bones lean, and it freaks him out. It makes him think about how underneath everybody’s skin there’s this collection of long white bones. It’s a more depressing version of the ‘Everyone’s naked underneath their clothes’ idea. Ray tries to ignore it as best he can, most nights.

He doesn’t like to think of people being meat, and bones, and whatever the hell else is in there. He doesn’t like to try and chart out his own insides, either, because it makes him feel small and strange. Sometimes, he just thinks his body is this shell that holds him – his soul, his heart, whatever – in, so that he doesn’t burst out into some kind of weird human supernova.

Ray grins, then, picturing Fraser lecturing a big ball of twitchy light.


Ray’s comfortable enough with the outside of his body – he likes to look at himself in the mirror even, see how he’s changed. It actually makes him feel pretty good, instead of depressed like a lot of people feel when they’re aging. It’s *good* to see that he’s not the same high strung little punk who used to try and take on bricks every other day, just because he was too angry and weird and fucked up to do anything else. It’s good to see the record those days have left on his body, to see that he’s been literally shaped into this different person.

This person, this person who Ray is now, is a guy who’s pretty much okay with his life. He gets angry, yeah, sure, he’s still *Ray* after all and he’s got a temper – he’ll admit it. But, he’s more or less content. He’s more content than less, really.

He’s good at his job, he doesn’t have to worry about impressing girls, and more nights than not, he’s got someone he loves driving him nuts by folding his socks at a precisely ninety degree angle. He’s got a bed that smells like Fraser, and a photo album with pictures of the two of them doing all kinds of stupid shit like fly fishing and hunting and bowling. He’s got coasters from Canada, and a gross mat of white wolf hair on his favorite chair, which is a weird thing to make him happy, but it does.

Especially when Fraser and Dief are up north, which they are sometimes. Fraser goes up every now and then to commune with the wildebeest, and a lot of times Ray goes with him. Sometimes, though, he stays behind – police business, or other pressing concerns which always seem a hell of a lot less pressing when Ray’s waking up all alone in the morning. But, it’s a system they’ve worked out in the past ten years, and it works pretty well.

When Fraser’s gone, sometimes Ray goes crazy. Sometimes he ends up acting like he’s twenty-five all over again, and stays up all night, watching porn, drinking beer, and eating pizza. He lets the apartment get messy, just so that when Fraser comes home, Fraser will bitch at him.

Sometimes, he gets sad and lonely and pathetic, and mopes around kicking the side of the couch and wearing Fraser’s sweatshirt. Fraser knows he does it, too, even though Ray would deny it under oath if Fraser ever called him on it.

And sometimes, like now, it’s just kind of peaceful and – it’s weird, because when Fraser’s gone, Ray feels like he gets to remember all the reasons why he loves the guy so damned much. And it isn’t lonely, it’s – fuck, it’s exhilarating. Because ten years living together, and Ray’s still falling in love with Fraser.

It makes him go out, and buy things because he knows Fraser will like them – like A&E specials, or books about lichen and how it factors into Inuit mythology or bungee cords, which Fraser seems to think you can never have enough of. And he gets to picture how Fraser’s face will go all soft and sweet when he sees what Ray’s bought.

At night, Ray likes to sit outside when Fraser’s gone. Which Fraser would never believe, because Ray’s always preaching about the benefits of indoor living – “Climate control, Frase – say it with me!” – but he feels like if he’s outside, he’s closer to Fraser. Like by breathing the night air, maybe he’s breathing Fraser’s air, which is stupid and romantic, but Ray’s like that sometimes, too.

It’s silly, because probably Fraser’s inside somewhere by the light of a whale oil lamp reading Victorian poetry or something, because up in Inuvik it’s just too fucking cold to hang out outside and shoot the breeze in March.

It’s almost too cold here in Chicago, even though the worst of winter’s all done with. Fraser says spring’s going to come late this year – he’s better than a groundhog at things like that. Ray remembers waking up one morning before Fraser left, and Fraser was standing by the window scratching his stomach, his hair all mussed from the pillow that still had a divot in it from Fraser’s head.

He was staring out at the still dark alleyway, and murmuring sleepily to Dief, who was doing his best to ignore Fraser.

“What are you doing? Having some kind of – some kind of discussion with the moonat two in the morning?” Ray had slurred tiredly, cracking one eye open, and Fraser had shot him a good morning smile even though he’d been cranky.

“I was just telling Diefenbaker that I don’t think we’ve had our last storm,” Fraser had said, and Ray had thrown a pillow at him.

“Nobody cares about weather before the sun comes up, you freak,” he’d said, flopping an arm down into Fraser’s spot. “Come back to bed.”

And Fraser did, sliding into the sheets, and just watched as Ray fell back asleep. He was still there, watching with that sweet good morning smile on his face, when the alarm went off.

Up in Inuvik, the snow’s probably waist high. There are probably icicles as big and scary as butcher knives hanging off the roof of Fraser’s cabin. Those always make Ray twitchy. He thinks about what would happen if they fell, how embarrassing it would be to live through a million and one gunfights and then be killed by a falling hunk of ice.

Ray likes the snow, though. Or, he does when he’s remembering it. When he’s wading through it, he usually hates it vocally. But when he just thinks about it – when he thinks about what Fraser looks like while the snow sort of drifts down soft and easy, with little white flakes sticking in his dark hair, and on the tips of his eyelashes…it makes Ray smile.

It makes him turn his face up to the night, and hope that next storm will come tonight, so that he can sit here in the snow, thinking about Fraser’s warm hands, and how his kisses sometimes are so light across Ray’s skin that they almost feel like they’re not really there.

In two nights, Fraser will be home again, and so will the wolf. Ray will give Diefenbaker some steak, but he’ll have to do it on the sly so that Fraser doesn’t catch him. And he’ll give Fraser a hundred of those ghost kisses that Fraser gives him all the time. He’ll go with Fraser down to the park, by the water, and let Fraser cook for them on one of his tiny little illegal fires, and he won’t complain about being cold. When they drive home, he’ll put his arm around Fraser, and just feel how solid his shoulders are and when they go to bed, Ray’s skinny, scarred hands will make themselves at home on Fraser’s big, white body.

Ray grins a little, imagining how great the sex will be – because it’s always great, and even more great when Fraser’s been gone for a little while, and then something wet and small falls on his hair.

When he looks up, it’s snowing.
 
 
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Pink And Blue - Outkast
 
 
 
Adoable Frunklyra_sena on September 8th, 2004 10:13 pm (UTC)
yay writing! yay fic! yay you!

*loves and adores you*

Ps. writewritewrite the hideous monstrosity so I can see Erica's head twirl off her body in fits of delight. *laughs uproariously*
BUT HARRY STYLESestrella30 on September 9th, 2004 05:34 am (UTC)
I cannot even begin to tell you how cute the image of a little erica head twirling off her body in glee, is.

*licks lyra*
(no subject) - pearl_o on September 9th, 2004 07:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - nifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
kayaking down the stream of consciousness: smarties2mergatrude on September 8th, 2004 11:24 pm (UTC)
In the close finish for my favourite bit I think this won by a hair's breadth:

At night, Ray likes to sit outside when Fraser’s gone. Which Fraser would never believe, because Ray’s always preaching about the benefits of indoor living – “Climate control, Frase – say it with me!” – but he feels like if he’s outside, he’s closer to Fraser. Like by breathing the night air, maybe he’s breathing Fraser’s air, which is stupid and romantic, but Ray’s like that sometimes, too.

This is a most wonderful story; it makes me feel happy and warm inside.
pure FORESHADOWING: charlize sexnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:48 pm (UTC)
Oh, yay! *bounces* Yay for happy and warm inside! I'm so glad! Thank you!
BUT HARRY STYLES: rayk EASY MONEYestrella30 on September 9th, 2004 03:47 am (UTC)
Ok, listen to me, nifra.

Marry me.

Got it?

Because this story is the most beautiful and romantic story ever.

And sometimes, like now, it’s just kind of peaceful and – it’s weird, because when Fraser’s gone, Ray feels like he gets to remember all the reasons why he loves the guy so damned much. And it isn’t lonely, it’s – fuck, it’s exhilarating. Because ten years living together, and Ray’s still falling in love with Fraser

Sigh. Freaking wonderful.

And this had me all weepy at 6:40 am:

It makes him turn his face up to the night, and hope that next storm will come tonight, so that he can sit here in the snow, thinking about Fraser’s warm hands, and how his kisses sometimes are so light across Ray’s skin that they almost feel like they’re not really there.

And, well I don't want to quote your whole story back to you, but this-

Ray grins a little, imagining how great the sex will be – because it’s always great, and even more great when Fraser’s been gone for a little while, and then something wet and small falls on his hair.

When he looks up, it’s snowing.


Very nearly made me cry.

You're wonderful and this is beautiful and yes, just - wow. Marry me?



Adoable Frunklyra_sena on September 9th, 2004 06:54 am (UTC)
Marry me?

*grins and shoves you over*

Stand! In! Line!
(no subject) - estrella30 on September 9th, 2004 06:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lyra_sena on September 9th, 2004 07:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - nifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
the upper echelons of mediocrity: sepiathe_star_fish on September 9th, 2004 04:27 am (UTC)
It makes him go out, and buy things because he knows Fraser will like them – like A&E specials, or books about lichen and how it factors into Inuit mythology or bungee cords, which Fraser seems to think you can never have enough of. And he gets to picture how Fraser’s face will go all soft and sweet when he sees what Ray’s bought.

Awwww.

I don't know why, but it was the bungee cords that got me.

Very nicely done.
pure FORESHADOWING: ckr sexnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:50 pm (UTC)
*grins* I don't know why, I just really feel like Fraser would like bungee cords.

I'm glad you liked it, hon! Thank you!
Half of what I say is meaninglessfarwing on September 9th, 2004 04:36 am (UTC)
Absolutely the perfect story to read first thing in the morning. Thank you.
pure FORESHADOWING: charisma!nifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:51 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Carla: lickable (blg)beledibabe on September 9th, 2004 04:59 am (UTC)
Damn. This broke my heart:

Sometimes, he gets sad and lonely and pathetic, and mopes around kicking the side of the couch and wearing Fraser’s sweatshirt. Fraser knows he does it, too, even though Ray would deny it under oath if Fraser ever called him on it.

Because, yeah, that's exactly what Ray would do.

Beautifully written, with so many lovely moments I won't bother to quote more, just say "Brava!"
pure FORESHADOWING: Deathnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:51 pm (UTC)
*snugs* Thank you, hon! *pets Ray and his sweatshirt wearing ways* I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
the opposite of batmanpearl_o on September 9th, 2004 05:49 am (UTC)
Again, I love this.
pure FORESHADOWING: maggie sexnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:52 pm (UTC)
And I love you. Even though you make me write monstrous hideous things. *snugs*
Bella: DS heroesabelladonna on September 9th, 2004 06:00 am (UTC)
Okay, that's it. I need to stop writing, 'cause I will NEVER be able to write like this! The whole thing is just so very very very Ray. Everything from the thoughts on mortality in the beginning to the messing up the apartment when Fraser's gone!

But, this is def my fav part: And sometimes, like now, it’s just kind of peaceful and – it’s weird, because when Fraser’s gone, Ray feels like he gets to remember all the reasons why he loves the guy so damned much. And it isn’t lonely, it’s – fuck, it’s exhilarating. Because ten years living together, and Ray’s still falling in love with Fraser.

Because, damn! That's it, that's Love with a capital L! That's what you feel like at 2 am in the bathroom, or at 530 pm stuck in traffic. You close your eyes for a second and think, "Damn, how can I possibly feel even more for this person?!" But you do.

::snuggles around the story to read it again::
pure FORESHADOWING: Bobcatitude!nifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:53 pm (UTC)
Okay: a) You've turned me bright red in this splotchy blushy way that does nothing for my complexion, but I'm squealing with joy that you liked it so much and b) don't you dare stop writing! *wags finger in stern admonition*

But, also, *snugs* Thank you babe!
lynnmonster: Double happinesslynnmonster on September 9th, 2004 06:05 am (UTC)
I have to agree with abelladonna above about this part: </i>Because ten years living together, and Ray’s still falling in love with Fraser.</i>

My heart *jumped* when I read that.

And with the sweatshirt, and the bungee cord, and the better-sex-after-separation, and most especially the very very end... you made me fall in love with them even more than I already was, which is quite a feat.
pure FORESHADOWING: ckr sexnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:54 pm (UTC)
*falls in love with them too* They're just so --- *makes incoherent noises and frantic gestures meant to convey her adoration*

Thank you so much, babe! I'm glad you liked this!
tour cincinnati dammit: ray_sculpturegardenmisanthrope7842 on September 9th, 2004 06:42 am (UTC)
This is just beautiful! A wonderful thing to wake up and read, excepting for the fact that I'm on the first cup of coffee and can't be more precise in my love for it. This part, right here, though:

It makes him go out, and buy things because he knows Fraser will like them – like A&E specials, or books about lichen and how it factors into Inuit mythology or bungee cords, which Fraser seems to think you can never have enough of. And he gets to picture how Fraser’s face will go all soft and sweet when he sees what Ray’s bought.

That's what did me in. Lovely.
pure FORESHADOWING: charisma!nifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:55 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! They're awfully sweet to each other, aren't they? *snugs boys* I'm so glad you liked it!
shayheyred: DSsilhouetteshayheyred on September 9th, 2004 07:11 am (UTC)
I love this for so many reasons, but I think most of all I adore the plausibility of a relationship like this, post-COTW, with Fraser's time spent both in Chicago and Canada, with Ray notemigrating, because down deep I don't believe he could ever do more than visit up North before he couldn't take it any more, no matter how much he loved Fraser. It's sp tender and so real. Lovely.
pure FORESHADOWING: brad sexnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:57 pm (UTC)
*nodsnods* You know, I'm never sure why it is that more people don't write them in Chicago. The assumption that Ray would give it up is kind of a universal (and strange to me) one. I'm not saying he couldn't hack it in Inuvik; he sure could! *loves her competent Ray darling and pets him on the head* But, at the same time -- he loves him some Chicago. So, I don't know. *shrugs* I'm just contrary and like to picture them still in the city. *grins*

But I'm so glad you like this. Thank you so much!
(no subject) - pearl_o on September 9th, 2004 02:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
sam80853: otp (by Stormy)sam80853 on September 9th, 2004 09:16 am (UTC)
Awwwwwww... that's SO romantic and beautiful and... and GREAT! I love it!

...Fraser would never believe, because Ray’s always preaching about the benefits of indoor living – “Climate control, Frase – say it with me!” – but he feels like if he’s outside, he’s closer to Fraser. Like by breathing the night air, maybe he’s breathing Fraser’s air, which is stupid and romantic, but Ray’s like that sometimes, too.
pure FORESHADOWING: absolut!nifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:57 pm (UTC)
Aww! Thank you! *snugs*
(Deleted comment)
pure FORESHADOWING: ckr sexnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 12:59 pm (UTC)
*laughs* I liked the wolf hair mat, too, so I'm glad someone else did. Even though it does kind of gross me out. *grins* I'm so glad you liked this! Thank you!
.: due south (tarar)hackthis on September 9th, 2004 09:42 am (UTC)
My, that's some horrible writer's block there, isn't it? ;)

It’s *good* to see that he’s not the same high strung little punk who used to try and take on bricks every other day, just because he was too angry and weird and fucked up to do anything else. It’s good to see the record those days have left on his body, to see that he’s been literally shaped into this different person.

Oh gods, I know this person. This is just, this is stellar. This is it in a nutshell, innit? Also, this? This is just fucking brilliant, I love how quiet and peaceful and beautiful it is. Oh, yes. *pets story* *pets Nif*
pure FORESHADOWING: charisma!nifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 01:04 pm (UTC)
*laughs* Well, maybe not so much any more with the writer's block, but while it was going on it was horrid I tell you, horrid. *flops dramatically backwards with one arm over her eyes*

But! I'm glad that you enjoyed this so much, hon. *pets you back*
Cesperanzacesperanza on September 9th, 2004 10:23 am (UTC)
Wow, every detail is note perfect. I love stories like this for their incredible clarity and the way they make, like, Fraser and Ray's lives so wonderfully real and magical at the same time. Gorgeous work.
pure FORESHADOWING: Deathnifra_idril on September 9th, 2004 01:05 pm (UTC)
But..but...their lives are magical, right? *laughs*

Seriously, though I'm so glad you enjoyed this. Thank you so much!