2. Lost my cell phone while it was in my pocket and spent a good forty five minutes looking for it, only to have a very hot stranger come up to me and politely point out that it was VISIBLY STICKING OUT OF MY JEANS.
3. SET MY HAIR ON FIRE WHILE LIGHTING A CIGARETTE. Let me say that again: I SET MYSELF ON FIRE.
I really do fail at life.
ETA: I'ma meme up my life for a little bit, so as to distract myself from the STENCH OF BURNED HAIR (omigod there were flames on my person not ten minutes ago!). So, you know that meme where people write five sentences that would never actually appear in one of their stories? I'm going to do the variation on that where I ask you all to write them in my comments. So come on and tell me what you think you'd never see happen in one of my stories.