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21 February 2005 @ 06:19 pm
Mixed message, anyone?  
I wanted to do a post where I typed up beautiful things I've read; poems, favorite passages of books, just really lovely language. But this is not that post, largely because I'm lacking energy like nobody's business.

The next week or so I'm not going to be around, but I'm here all alone tonight, and I'm already desperately bored, and looking for ways to entertain myself that have nothing to do with the three papers I really should be writing as they're due in like, three hours. I'm just waaay too tired for that right now, and I don't seem to have my head screwed on right as I've been a righteous bitch more or less all day.

You know those days where you just find yourself descending slowly into an absolutely heinous and horrid funk and you suddenly are in class and talking and you realize your mouth is moving and that the words coming out of it are -- well, the words themselves are borderline fine but the tone is kind of really terrible? Yeah, that's the kind of day today has been.

It sucks when you remember suddenly that you're not really the person you hoped you were. I mean, I realize that about 75 times out of a 100 I can be a complete asshole. These are thngs that a person really has to own about themself, and I have been known to start dates/relationships by saying, "Just so you know, I'm a real bastard a lot of the time" because it's true and I am. But I still had hoped that I was a little bit less utterly awful than I was today to a couple of people -- it's like I'm 15 all over again and all of my excess hostility is leaking out like so much, I don't know, biohazardous material.

Yeesh.

But it always makes me remember who I want to be, which is a nice thing. Because that's the sort of thing that makes me go over to people after I've been really just straight up terrible to them and apologize and say I didn't mean it, and I was unfair, and you know, whether they believe me or not, that's not what matters. I said I was sorry, and I'm going to just -- try really hard and not be an ass from now on. Which gets hard when there's a lot going on, because my default emotion is anger, and when I'm angry I can be a *bear*. A rabid one.

Possibly a rabid panda.

Anyway. All of that having been said *cough* I'm going to invite any lurkers to say hi and tell me about themselves and that kind of stuff, because really after reading a post about how much of a bitch I am, don't you feel comfortable? *makes face at self* My timing, she is stellar.

No, but really. Hi guys! Tell me about yourselves, your dogs, your weather, your preferences in underwear or condiments or breath fresheners, or anything you want to say at all. If you want to post anonymously, that's cool too. Just, you know. Drop me a line and let me get to know a little somethin' somethin' about you.
 
 
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
 
 
 
pure FORESHADOWING: Deathnifra_idril on February 21st, 2005 11:48 pm (UTC)
*nods* That's really true. It's just that -- you know. After you unthinkingly really hurt someone's feelings like that, you have to step back and say, "Wow. Okay things with me might not be going well, but I had absolutely no right to do that" and you just feel awful, which is kind of where I am right now. I just honestly didn't realize that I had been as callous as I was today in my class, and was really shocked by myself when I realized what had gone on.

But - I guess it gives you the chance to take stock of yourself, and think about how you can be better about things in the future. Because, really, I as much of a jerk as I can be, I don't really want to go around hurting people's feelings.

*laughs a little* Man, on days like today I am just so grateful that I have a journal and a place to vent like this. Thank you hon, for listening and understanding. *hugs*