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22 March 2005 @ 12:56 pm
In which I count my blessings.  
I am happy to report that I've never been attacked by a bear.

This may seem strange to you, this declaration, but really, the more I think about it the more traumatic it would be. Bears seem so cuddly and befuddled. I mean, sure they have a lot of teeth, and certainly they're big, but -- they have all that excess skin and fur, and those big arms and they amble all along clumsily because they're bears. I think that if I was attacked by a bear I'd never trust anything again.

As bad as days get, sometimes, at least I've got this: I have never been attacked by a bear, and I'm damn proud.

Other things that I have to be thankful of:

I'm not being chased by a crazy Texan wearing my boyfriend's face, ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I've never had my teeth pulled out while I'm still conscious.
I am not dying of diarrhea.
I have never been forced to wear an Elizabethan ruff.
My feet have not been bound.
I've never eaten a bad egg.
I am not covered with live rats right now.
I have never been sentenced to the death of a thousand cuts.
I will never be kicked in the balls, because I don't have balls.
My father isn't a sociopathic megalomaniac with a messiah complex.
I've never lost a year of my life due to amnesia.
I am not the enemy of the Dark Lord.
A child has never burst fully formed from my calf OR my skull.
I have never had sex with a bull and given birth to a minotaur.

These are the things that give you perspective.
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: Underworld
Adoable Frunk: kowalski and fraserlyra_sena on March 22nd, 2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
I have never been forced to wear an Elizabethan ruff

But you'd look so cute!
pure FORESHADOWING: every ioan!! - slodnifra_idril on March 22nd, 2005 09:19 pm (UTC)
Like a dog, post surgery. That's right. I'd be adorable.
Tiny Timmy Tokyo: his name is jeff albertsonslodwick on March 22nd, 2005 10:27 pm (UTC)
And unable to chew your stitches! OMGCUTE!!!
pure FORESHADOWING: Cheekynifra_idril on March 23rd, 2005 03:42 am (UTC)
*chews stitches pointedly* Thank God I'm not wearing one, then.
Edmund Crankypants: Simon saysanitac588 on March 22nd, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
Yes, certainly a list that puts things into perspective.

Also re bears: they run fast and climb the trees very well. In case you ever find yourself in a position where this information would prove vital.
pure FORESHADOWING: drama pig! (foxlet)nifra_idril on March 22nd, 2005 09:18 pm (UTC)
So, essentially they're cute, cuddly, non-threatening to look at, made into plush toys that we're taught to love and trust, and COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET AWAY FROM WHEN THEY WANT TO KILL YOU.

Bears are so upsetting.
Tiny Timmy Tokyo: uh... candygram?slodwick on March 22nd, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC)
Bears are so easy.
The trick is simply using a pot of honey to lure them half-way into a hole only slightly larger than they, because then, when they eat the honey (as bears are wont to do) their furry midsections will expand, thereby trapping them in the aforementioned hole. Then you are free to sketch a moose face on the bears ass, and run away into the night. Or watch Conan O'Brien. Whichever.
pure FORESHADOWING: absolut!nifra_idril on March 23rd, 2005 03:43 am (UTC)
Re: Bears are so easy.
Sketch a moose face? Is this what you do when attacked? Please, tell me more. *grins*
O is for: this is by artistbynight - icon waitingozymannedias on March 22nd, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
i happen to know that you have, in fact, had sex with a bull and given birth to a minotaur: where do you think I came from?
pure FORESHADOWING: Clark RHPSnifra_idril on March 22nd, 2005 09:17 pm (UTC)
You're way not a minotaur, no matter what all the boys say.
O is forozymannedias on March 22nd, 2005 09:20 pm (UTC)
If by "boys" you mean "Centaurs". And if by "say" you mean "bray while in heat". Then yes, yes I am a god damned mintaur.
peeps wanna see peeps boink: shamelessmusesfool on March 22nd, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
I've never lost a year of my life due to amnesia.
I am not the enemy of the Dark Lord.

How do you know? Are you sure about that?

pure FORESHADOWING: charisma!nifra_idril on March 22nd, 2005 09:08 pm (UTC)
That's going to fester, Vic. I'll be thinking about it all day.
peeps wanna see peeps boink: shamelessmusesfool on March 23rd, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
Um, sorry?

*cackles and runs away*
BUT HARRY STYLES: SYD GLASSES by twilightbadgirlestrella30 on March 22nd, 2005 08:31 pm (UTC)
I am not covered with live rats right now.

I really just love the *right now* in that sentence, because to ME that says, "You're lucky to not be covered RIGHT NOW. But if you were to be covered in live rats next Thursday, well, that would be FINE. Or dead rats, even."


pure FORESHADOWING: Bobcatitude!nifra_idril on March 22nd, 2005 09:08 pm (UTC)
Any time I'm not covered in rats is a fine time to me. Live, dead, it doesn't matter. As long as they're far away from me, there is sunshine in my life. Mmm, phobia.
Tiny Timmy Tokyo: we are hedgesslodwick on March 22nd, 2005 10:23 pm (UTC)
Don't forget bunnies.
pure FORESHADOWING: Bobcatitude!nifra_idril on March 23rd, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
That's more an out and out loathing kind of a situation than a phobia thing. God, how I hate langomorphs (lagomorphs?).
I'm the crazy lady they warned you about.: Magical Buttvic_ramsey on March 22nd, 2005 10:14 pm (UTC)
That brightened up my day.

Out of all of these, the one that disturbs me most...

A child has never burst fully formed from my calf

Ouch and ew...
Tiny Timmy Tokyo: you'll never know dearslodwick on March 22nd, 2005 10:22 pm (UTC)
Just when I think I cannot possibly love you more than I do.... bears.
Jack Pridejack_pride on March 22nd, 2005 11:36 pm (UTC)
If you ever *are* faced with a bear wanting to attack you, be sure to take a moment to determine what *kind* of bear it is. You'd think that it would be better if it were the smaller, less vicious North American Black bear (which can, of course, be brown, or ginger) that you'd be better off, but no. See, black bears are the ones that climb trees and scavenge dead meat. Outlook not good. Grizzly bears, on the other hand, only eat *live* meat, so if it's a grizzly you should tuck yourself up in a ball, protect your head, and prepare to be batted around and gnawed on a little before being left alone to nurse your concussion and gushing wounds. The black bear eats you either way.

Also, if it's a polar bear, you'd better have an engine or hope for a seal to pop up and volunteer to be dinner, because those suckers are fast.

I like sun bears best. Aren't they cute? (I've actually been to the Perth zoo, so this is probably the bear I saw there!) I'd be very upset if a sun bear tried to eat me, because they're so pretty.
Ducks: he's turning into a tree!_ducks on March 22nd, 2005 11:37 pm (UTC)
Maybe you should invest in a bear-proof suit, just in case.
Siobhan: RentBoy!Clarksiobhan_w on March 23rd, 2005 12:10 am (UTC)

Way to look on the bright side!
the opposite of batmanpearl_o on March 23rd, 2005 05:26 am (UTC)
I adore you madly.