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22 March 2005 @ 12:56 pm
In which I count my blessings.  
I am happy to report that I've never been attacked by a bear.

This may seem strange to you, this declaration, but really, the more I think about it the more traumatic it would be. Bears seem so cuddly and befuddled. I mean, sure they have a lot of teeth, and certainly they're big, but -- they have all that excess skin and fur, and those big arms and they amble all along clumsily because they're bears. I think that if I was attacked by a bear I'd never trust anything again.

As bad as days get, sometimes, at least I've got this: I have never been attacked by a bear, and I'm damn proud.

Other things that I have to be thankful of:

I'm not being chased by a crazy Texan wearing my boyfriend's face, ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I've never had my teeth pulled out while I'm still conscious.
I am not dying of diarrhea.
I have never been forced to wear an Elizabethan ruff.
My feet have not been bound.
I've never eaten a bad egg.
I am not covered with live rats right now.
I have never been sentenced to the death of a thousand cuts.
I will never be kicked in the balls, because I don't have balls.
My father isn't a sociopathic megalomaniac with a messiah complex.
I've never lost a year of my life due to amnesia.
I am not the enemy of the Dark Lord.
A child has never burst fully formed from my calf OR my skull.
I have never had sex with a bull and given birth to a minotaur.

These are the things that give you perspective.
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: Underworld
Tiny Timmy Tokyo: uh... candygram?slodwick on March 22nd, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC)
Bears are so easy.
The trick is simply using a pot of honey to lure them half-way into a hole only slightly larger than they, because then, when they eat the honey (as bears are wont to do) their furry midsections will expand, thereby trapping them in the aforementioned hole. Then you are free to sketch a moose face on the bears ass, and run away into the night. Or watch Conan O'Brien. Whichever.
pure FORESHADOWING: absolut!nifra_idril on March 23rd, 2005 03:43 am (UTC)
Re: Bears are so easy.
Sketch a moose face? Is this what you do when attacked? Please, tell me more. *grins*