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22 March 2005 @ 12:56 pm
In which I count my blessings.  
I am happy to report that I've never been attacked by a bear.

This may seem strange to you, this declaration, but really, the more I think about it the more traumatic it would be. Bears seem so cuddly and befuddled. I mean, sure they have a lot of teeth, and certainly they're big, but -- they have all that excess skin and fur, and those big arms and they amble all along clumsily because they're bears. I think that if I was attacked by a bear I'd never trust anything again.

As bad as days get, sometimes, at least I've got this: I have never been attacked by a bear, and I'm damn proud.

Other things that I have to be thankful of:

I'm not being chased by a crazy Texan wearing my boyfriend's face, ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I've never had my teeth pulled out while I'm still conscious.
I am not dying of diarrhea.
I have never been forced to wear an Elizabethan ruff.
My feet have not been bound.
I've never eaten a bad egg.
I am not covered with live rats right now.
I have never been sentenced to the death of a thousand cuts.
I will never be kicked in the balls, because I don't have balls.
My father isn't a sociopathic megalomaniac with a messiah complex.
I've never lost a year of my life due to amnesia.
I am not the enemy of the Dark Lord.
A child has never burst fully formed from my calf OR my skull.
I have never had sex with a bull and given birth to a minotaur.

These are the things that give you perspective.
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: Underworld
Jack Pridejack_pride on March 22nd, 2005 11:36 pm (UTC)
If you ever *are* faced with a bear wanting to attack you, be sure to take a moment to determine what *kind* of bear it is. You'd think that it would be better if it were the smaller, less vicious North American Black bear (which can, of course, be brown, or ginger) that you'd be better off, but no. See, black bears are the ones that climb trees and scavenge dead meat. Outlook not good. Grizzly bears, on the other hand, only eat *live* meat, so if it's a grizzly you should tuck yourself up in a ball, protect your head, and prepare to be batted around and gnawed on a little before being left alone to nurse your concussion and gushing wounds. The black bear eats you either way.

Also, if it's a polar bear, you'd better have an engine or hope for a seal to pop up and volunteer to be dinner, because those suckers are fast.

I like sun bears best. Aren't they cute? (I've actually been to the Perth zoo, so this is probably the bear I saw there!) I'd be very upset if a sun bear tried to eat me, because they're so pretty.