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07 September 2003 @ 08:04 pm
every one of us has all we need  
Wow. This has been a week, alright. But a good one, I feel. Everyone moved back on campus, which is just *yay* but at the same time a little much. I mean - it was totally empty all summer long and I got used to it like that. I got used to having it be *my* place and now I have to share it with other people? Crazy. Also, social obligations. But they're fun, more often than not. I just get stuck in "Nifra doesn't want to go out and play" mode sometimes. But then I do go out and play and have a great time. So maybe it's just inertia. "A Nif at rest tends to stay at rest?" Sounds about right.

Classes start again tommorow - well, not for me but only because my schedule is the kick. Pretty much literally, too - no class on Monday *or* Friday and no early morning classes. God, I love my school. I'm incredibly excited to start classes. I think I chose a variety of subjects that'll challenge me and this will be cool. But also? I'm excited about my fiction workshop. I feel like after the summer of writing I've had (sweet Jesus, I've written a lot this summer...*mind boggles*), I'll be a little more prepared than I would have been this time last year. The idea of writing original fiction as always fills me with this kind of nameless terror and a huge amount of panic and the kind of giddiness that you generally don't get except for before a first date. I think I'll be okay, and if I'm not - year long workshop. I can improve.

What's scariest is that this -- writing -- is what I *love* doing. When I write I'm in the zone - literally nothing else exists for me. People can be, oh say, drilling in the next room and I'm totally unaware of it. I can sit in front of my computer doing nothing but writing for days on end. Would, if I could. And I've been this way my whole life, so I think we can safely say that I've found my passion, right? Right. But what goes hand in hand with that is this fear that I'm no good at it. Now, I know I'm not bad at it. But I'm not as good as I want to be and that irritates the *bejesus* out of me. I sort of feel like Salieri in Amadeus sometimes - I can recognize what's amazing about something that's been written, without being able to duplicate it.

That's not one hundred percent true. I realize that I'm a better than average writer, I realize that I'm a good writer. What I want is to be an *extraordinary* writer, and I'm working on that - year long workshop after all. It's pretty much the same kind of insecurity that I think everyone goes through at some time or another, and I think that's okay. I'm trying not to get too carried away with it.

This might also have something to do with the whole "in the middle of a godawful long WiP " syndrome that I've got going. I haven't posted a chapter in like, weeks, and I *will* finish the next one in order to get it up sometime next weekend. That is the plan. The end is so in sight. I know that, and I know where it's going, and I'm even starting to be marginally happy with the story. It's just...I'm in the thick of it, you know? So it's hard to assess. Plus, I'm hard on myself.

In other news, I've started reading The Sandman comics. Sweet God - why didn't I start reading these sooner? They're *amazing*. In Preludes and Nocturnes (the first volume in the series, I think), the sequence with John Dee may be one of the most upsetting things I've ever seen in comic format, yet it's all so *brilliant*. It's dark, and it's twisted, and the hero's kind of antihero in some ways. Neil Gaiman and co. create an entire mythology that's very, very interesting. I'm only on the second volume, but I'm in love. I know this. Also? The artwork is really just beautiful. If you're into comics at all, I suggest you check it out, and then talk about it with me, because I could just babble on and on and on about it for days. I love it. *Love* it. *pushes you all toward your local comic book store*

I think I'm kind of in love with the new LJ skin, too. It's really pretty. I like the blue on white scheme. Totally threw me off the first day, but now, I'm liking it in a big way. I still someday want to learn how to pretty up my LJ. Oh, to have any technical skills whatsoever...*G* I pretty much just stare really hard at my computer and hope that it'll do the things I want it to do. When it doesn't, I frown, I pout, I go bother people who understand these things. Because I am not one of those people. It's odd for a computer (okay, internet) addict like myself to not have picked up anything helpful like html along the way. Go me. Kind of.

Also: LJ fairy! You rock my socks! You rock them like Jimi Hendrix at the Monterey Pops! Look at you lighting your guitar on fire! Thank you so much!
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Aimee Mann - I Should Have Known
Adoable Frunklyra_sena on September 8th, 2003 12:44 am (UTC)
yeah. about the drilling. not only do you not notice continued drilling in the room next to you, you completely miss the epic struggle to retrieve said drill and accompanying curse words as said driller attempted to drill. *G*

But all in all, you're a good podlet. And also? A goddamn fine writer.

Rachel Wilderrachel_wilder on September 8th, 2003 02:28 am (UTC)
First week of school...just so you know, it's a kick in the pants for those of us on the other side of the podium as well!

I love that you're writing so well, you award-winning writer, you. Keep up the good work!!! And write me some Sports Night.
pure FORESHADOWINGnifra_idril on September 8th, 2003 02:43 am (UTC)
Sports Night, Sports Night, Sports Night...my love for that show is so undiminished by the fact that it's been off the air for *how* long?

Dan. Casey.

Casey. Dan.

Talk about your true, true love. *melts*
Isagel: plaything by rosesmoveisagel on September 8th, 2003 09:41 am (UTC)
Heh. I'm sitting here going, 'Yep, that's it exactly!' over the things you say about writing. Since reading Stephen King's Bag of Bones, I always think about it as 'the zone', too, and God, there's nothing in the universe like drifting into that zone. It's a high that transcends any other experience and that being on drugs couldn't even touch. The only thing that comes close is a moment of true closeness with the person who owns my heart, but other than that, I wouldn't compare writing to anything. The most interesting thing about the zone is perhaps when I'm completely incapable of getting out of it. I'll be writing, and then there's something I need to do, so I go out on the town, I shop, I have dinner, I talk to people, I go to lectures and take notes, but all the time, my brain isn't *there*. I'm operating on some strange autopilot while my mind is still in the zone, finding the right words, developing the plot and maintaining the mood of the story. And absolutely nothing but the zone and the story in it feels important. It's the oddest sensation in the world, especially since for me it's very physical - being in the zone tends to affect my heartbeat, my breathing and my general experience of my body; it's like a weird mental way of having sex. ;) I love the zone - if someone told me I would never be able to go there again, I might very likely want to kill myself.

As for being afraid of being Salieri instead of Mozart.... I think every writer with any form of self-critique feels this. It's scary as hell, but it doesn't really tell you anything about the quality of your writing. The important thing is to gather enough courage to overcome the Salieri fear and dare to go public with your writing anyway, because you can never judge yourself whether you're Mozart or not; only other readers can do that. It's about taking the leap and daring to at least partially believe it when others tell you that you're brilliant. Which is freakishly hard, if you're anything like me, but quite amazing during the moments when you manage to convince yourself that they're right.
pure FORESHADOWINGnifra_idril on September 8th, 2003 04:03 pm (UTC)
*G* I just nodded and yelled "That's exactly right!" to everything you just said.

You're right - getting out of the zone is pretty much impossible, and results in me acting like a general space cadet for large portions of the time. I'm there, but not *there* - exactly as you said. "A mental way of having sex"...I like that very much as a description because the zone? Can be pretty *damned* satisfying. (Granted, not generally orgasmic, but that's just generally.)

And I agree completely about going public. It's hard sometimes; very hard, but you've just got to do it...and I"m working on the believing others thing. We'll get there someday. Maybe.
Aelitaaelita on September 8th, 2003 01:10 pm (UTC)
I'm not a big fan of comics but I practically worship Sandman. Gaiman is a freaking genius.
pure FORESHADOWINGnifra_idril on September 8th, 2003 04:04 pm (UTC)
Oh yes. Oh *yes* he is. I read one of his books and wasn't terribly impressed but The Sandman? More than impressed. Floored.

Aelitaaelita on September 8th, 2003 05:40 pm (UTC)
Really? Which book was that? I can't say I like his books as much as Sandman, but I did like what I read so far. Something about his satirical bites and dark humor that appeals to me. Though I like his short stories (Snow Glass Apples, Goliath) better.

"What are they dropping? Nuclear weapons?"
"Uh-huh. Rocks. Asteroids. Big ones. We think that tomorrow unless we surrender, they may drop the moon on us."

pure FORESHADOWINGnifra_idril on September 8th, 2003 06:14 pm (UTC)
I read Neverwhere, and while I thought it was clever and I *did* enjoy it, it didn't blow me away. Unlike Sandman, and *whoa* did that blow me away...is still blowing me away...Whatever, verb tenses. *waves them away*

I'll check out his short stories. What's that snipped from? It's very funny!
Aelitaaelita on September 8th, 2003 06:32 pm (UTC)
Uh. Yes, I don't think anything else he wrote is as clever as Sandman. Oh, did you hear about the The Dreaming: Through the Gates of Horn and Ivory? It's a collection of short stories by various authors based on the Sandman. Some are pretty good.

The sniplet is from Goliath, which is actually not funny at all. *g* It's a Matrix-based short story you can find here

Snow Glass Apples is retelling of Snowwhite and is rather disturbing.
pure FORESHADOWINGnifra_idril on September 8th, 2003 11:54 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the links - can't wait to check these out. I'll check the book out, too. *dives back into Sandman comics*