pure FORESHADOWING (nifra_idril) wrote,

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every one of us has all we need

Wow. This has been a week, alright. But a good one, I feel. Everyone moved back on campus, which is just *yay* but at the same time a little much. I mean - it was totally empty all summer long and I got used to it like that. I got used to having it be *my* place and now I have to share it with other people? Crazy. Also, social obligations. But they're fun, more often than not. I just get stuck in "Nifra doesn't want to go out and play" mode sometimes. But then I do go out and play and have a great time. So maybe it's just inertia. "A Nif at rest tends to stay at rest?" Sounds about right.

Classes start again tommorow - well, not for me but only because my schedule is the kick. Pretty much literally, too - no class on Monday *or* Friday and no early morning classes. God, I love my school. I'm incredibly excited to start classes. I think I chose a variety of subjects that'll challenge me and this will be cool. But also? I'm excited about my fiction workshop. I feel like after the summer of writing I've had (sweet Jesus, I've written a lot this summer...*mind boggles*), I'll be a little more prepared than I would have been this time last year. The idea of writing original fiction as always fills me with this kind of nameless terror and a huge amount of panic and the kind of giddiness that you generally don't get except for before a first date. I think I'll be okay, and if I'm not - year long workshop. I can improve.

What's scariest is that this -- writing -- is what I *love* doing. When I write I'm in the zone - literally nothing else exists for me. People can be, oh say, drilling in the next room and I'm totally unaware of it. I can sit in front of my computer doing nothing but writing for days on end. Would, if I could. And I've been this way my whole life, so I think we can safely say that I've found my passion, right? Right. But what goes hand in hand with that is this fear that I'm no good at it. Now, I know I'm not bad at it. But I'm not as good as I want to be and that irritates the *bejesus* out of me. I sort of feel like Salieri in Amadeus sometimes - I can recognize what's amazing about something that's been written, without being able to duplicate it.

That's not one hundred percent true. I realize that I'm a better than average writer, I realize that I'm a good writer. What I want is to be an *extraordinary* writer, and I'm working on that - year long workshop after all. It's pretty much the same kind of insecurity that I think everyone goes through at some time or another, and I think that's okay. I'm trying not to get too carried away with it.

This might also have something to do with the whole "in the middle of a godawful long WiP " syndrome that I've got going. I haven't posted a chapter in like, weeks, and I *will* finish the next one in order to get it up sometime next weekend. That is the plan. The end is so in sight. I know that, and I know where it's going, and I'm even starting to be marginally happy with the story. It's just...I'm in the thick of it, you know? So it's hard to assess. Plus, I'm hard on myself.

In other news, I've started reading The Sandman comics. Sweet God - why didn't I start reading these sooner? They're *amazing*. In Preludes and Nocturnes (the first volume in the series, I think), the sequence with John Dee may be one of the most upsetting things I've ever seen in comic format, yet it's all so *brilliant*. It's dark, and it's twisted, and the hero's kind of antihero in some ways. Neil Gaiman and co. create an entire mythology that's very, very interesting. I'm only on the second volume, but I'm in love. I know this. Also? The artwork is really just beautiful. If you're into comics at all, I suggest you check it out, and then talk about it with me, because I could just babble on and on and on about it for days. I love it. *Love* it. *pushes you all toward your local comic book store*

I think I'm kind of in love with the new LJ skin, too. It's really pretty. I like the blue on white scheme. Totally threw me off the first day, but now, I'm liking it in a big way. I still someday want to learn how to pretty up my LJ. Oh, to have any technical skills whatsoever...*G* I pretty much just stare really hard at my computer and hope that it'll do the things I want it to do. When it doesn't, I frown, I pout, I go bother people who understand these things. Because I am not one of those people. It's odd for a computer (okay, internet) addict like myself to not have picked up anything helpful like html along the way. Go me. Kind of.

Also: LJ fairy! You rock my socks! You rock them like Jimi Hendrix at the Monterey Pops! Look at you lighting your guitar on fire! Thank you so much!
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