Firstly, Clark? Yeah, he's gay. Just so you know. He likes the mens. Also, Lex is the best boyfriend ever, water can cure migraines, and Chloe is adorable. Poor Pete is the only straight one, and Clark's the mintmaker. Just as Chloe. Oh? And Lex? He likes to play dress up and wear shiny, sparkly necklaces.
These nuggets were gleaned from:
Bobby Drake's daddy is mean and Clark cheats while looking for pink rocks. Then there's lightening, like in Highlander, except that it makes Clark normal and there are no swords. Bobby Drake becomes SUPER and calls himself Eric Summers, which is very confusing because we know the truth. And the truth is that he's Bobby Drake. Anyway, Clark flips out and gets a nosebleed. But don't worry, he doesn't have cancer, so no one needs to bring him distilled water. Clark spends all day doing farm work, and Lex helps him with a fence. Clark's a tool and wears a tool belt, but Lex loves him anyway and so do we becaues he's cute when he breaks his ribs. Bobby Drake goes bad ass and wears a leather trenchcoat. That's how you know that he's badass. Lex shows up from Metropolis after Victoria screws him over royally. He doesn't like that much, but he does like Clark. Because Clark's shirt is unbuttoned, and he's pissy, and that's hot, so Lex goes off camera with him to do unspeakable things. Also? Clark's a woobie and feels responsible for how crazy BD's dad drives him. Dads are mean, says Smallville, and BD wants to throw himself off the bridge so he does. Then Clark says good bye to Lana and we're supposed to care about her, but we don't. He takes her necklace and plays dress up, but then he becomes SUPER again because of the electricity thing. Whatever. Lex isn't there, so it doesn't matter too much. Where is Lex? Turning the tables on BitchHo (Victoria- who by the way has a neat coat later on, but I digress), and finding out that his Dad and Victoria had sex which is yuckky and wrong. He stares into the fire and looks like he needs a scotch, a blowjob and a hug. Clark, get on that. Right away. Also? Clark's sad. Aww. Poor Sad!Clark - he's not ever going to be normal.
Also? Clark's gay.
Little known fact: Whitney is really gay. Like, a lot. Also, his hair is floppy, and he likes boys named Wade. Chloe gets broken in the trailer, which is upsetting, and Clark feels really guilty. We feel bad for Clark but worse for Chloe, because, she's broken. Lex tells Clark it isn't Clark's fault, but Clark likes to feel guilty, so he keeps doing it. Then he decides to go through a vigilante phase, because Lex is doing it, and Lex is cool. When Chloe was broken people came through walls and stole Lex's stuff. His watches, his money, his red important floppy disk and all of his sparkly dress up jewelry. This is why Lex wants to play vigilante - nobody takes his dress up jewelry. A man needs to feel pretty, dammit. So, also, Lana's there, and she's pissed because Nell isn't thinking about Lana's needs and wants to sell the Talon. Oh, wait, Nell *is* thinking about Lana's needs, and that's *why* she wants to sell the Talon, but Lana doesn't care. Whitney's hair is floppy and he's working at Fordman's. He meets a guy named Wade. He likes this guy, and this guy likes him. They're both gay. Whitney gets drunk with Wade, and steps to the bone, as instructed by Wade's friends. This apparently means getting a tattoo, but I can't believe that. There's too much gay for that to be all stepping up to the bone means. Whitney is hit by a truck and then fucked off screen by Wade. We know that he is the bottom. Don't ask, we just know these things. Then he wears sunglasses inside and I feel bad because Clark yells while he's obviously hung over. This is just not nice on Clark's part. Bad!Clark. There's some stuff involving the disk and Lex, but what's really important here is that Clark is gay. And Lex is too. And so is Whitney and Wade. And Lana's butch. That's all you need to know.
Smallville is subtle. This is something you might not know. This episode is a direct result of said subtlety. There are these two guys and one is creepy and the other has big hair and a big chin and in this way reminds us of Ben Affleck, but without J.Lo. Also, you should know that tstar78 can get a bobble-headed Ben Affleck doll. That has nothing to do with Smallville, or subtlety. We just thought that you should know. Okay, so, Clark and Lana and Chloe are on horses and they're going to go have a threesome, except that Clark is gay and so Lana falls off her horse and this weird guy named Kyle is there. Everyone assumes that Kyle was trying to hurt Lana, because everyone wants to hurt Lana and Lana is v. tragic. Nell wants Clark to lie and say he saw Kyle do bad things to Lana, but Clark is Strong in the face of Opposition and says No way, dude. Whitney gets mad because of this. Also, Whitney here pretends to be straight and sober. He's actually high and gay. Victoria's coat is nice here, because it's leapord print. I like it. Someone should give it to me. Lex is hot, and a bitch to Ben Affleck Man. He won't shake hands with Ben Affleck Man, which is really a good choice because BAM can make his hand green and this makes people do what he says. He tricks Jonathan into signing a contract to sell the Kent farm, so that BAM can pollute the water there. Lex is hurt that Jon signs when Clark tells him but then Lex fixes everything, becuase that's what Lex does. Because Lex is the best boyfriend ever. Clark gives him head, but we don't see this. It's not HBO, after all. *cries* Whitney beats up Kyle. This is bad, but he doesn't do it because he wants to, he does it because BAM puts the whammy on him and Kyle gets to take all the blame. Clark doesn't quite buy it because he is secretely v. smart. Lex calls him Atticus Finch, which is neat, but Clark doesn't get the reference. Kyle does not remind me of Boo Radley. Lana and Whitney are mad. Clark cares, but Lex doesn't because Lex is hot and Clark is hot and really, that's all that matters. Then Kyle gets shot in jail and Toby shows up and this is very cool and should be repeated often in S3. Toby looks like a roadie for the Greatful Dead. I want to hear his life story. Lex bled on his car. This embarrases Lex, but he doesn't say so. Lex is mad because Clark wants Lex to harbor a criminal. Clark gives him head, again, off screen. (Told you Smallville was subtle.) Lex goes bad because of BAM and there are all kinds of parallels between Kyle and BAM and Lex and Clark. Lex shoots Clark. This stings. Also, he sets his car on fire. Flaming!Car, much like Flaming!Clark. At the end, Lex hits on Clark blatantly, saying their friendship is the stuff of legends. Really, what he means is "Blow me. No, now."
Later, I'll put up summaries of Shimmer, Stray, Ryan and Hourglass. I told you we OD -ed.