January 9th, 2004


The light! The light! It's burning my eyes!

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone proclaiming that they are proud to be an American. I thought a patriotic psychopath had broken into my room and was singing to me only before cutting me into four by six inch pieces and burying me in the backyard in tupperwares of various sizes. It was my radio, though, and I beat the shit out of it accordingly.

I then went around and woke up my siblings, which is way against my principles. I mean -- enforced wakefulness before seven in the morning? That's what the eighth amendment is about. However, Injured!Father told me to do it and before nine in the morning I'm very malleable. Also, it's a school day and they have to go or I have to take care of them all day. So despite the fact that I usually register as a conscientious objector in matters of waking, I did it. I felt like apologizing the whole time. I think I may have.

Apparently the secret to getting a fourteen year old, a twelve year old and an eleven year old out the door and to school without any Major Incidents (gross physical injury, shrieking, property damage or psychological scarring) in under an hour is this: funny accents. I swear to god. You make yourself sound like an absolute idiot the whole time and they band together to giggle at how insane you are. Then they tell you they love you, which is nice, but they'll follow that up with things like, "And your shirt looks like camel vomit."

Ahh, family. How I love you.
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