It's my first night home, and I'm curled up on the couch with my thirteen year old sister. She's sullenly glaring at the television, saying repeatedly "There's nothing on." I reach over into her lap and grab for the remote, and after a brief struggle during which I am forced to resort to rubbing whipped cream from our desert into her hair, I get the remote.
"You," I tell her, "just don't know where to look."
So I turn on the WB, only to find Supernatural. She rolls her eyes and scoffs and throws a pillow at me, saying, "OMG (let me note that she actually said the individual letters - like this "Oh-Em-Gee"), the WB is totally for losers," with all the derision that only a thirteen year old girl is capable of.
Undaunted, I just nod at the screen as the Winchester-mobile rumbles across a road. "Wait for it," I say, patting her leg. "Wait for it."
At the first close up on Padalecki and Ackles, her jaw drops open and she lets out a squeal of high pitched giggle, complete with full puppy-like body writhe.
I begin counting off on my fingers for the inevitable explosion of glee. It takes until six for her to shriek, "OH-EM-GEE!! THEY ARE SO HOT!"
"Oh, I know," I say smugly, smirking at her.
She sputters on and on and on about the various hotness, until finally I smack her with a pillow and say, "You're making it hard for me to enjoy Dean."
"Dean? Oh-Em-Gee, Dean is way not the hot brother," she says, and I freeze, staring at her.
The pillow fight that follows that pronouncement is epic, and ends when my mother walks into the room to find me pinning the littlest Nif!Sister to the couch and waving the bowl with whipped cream near her face, yelling, "Who's the hottest, huh, huh? Who's the hottest, kid?"
"SAM!!" she keeps howling, and then we both notice my mother, standing there.
She's got her arms crossed and a hand over her mouth, her eyebrows are about to merge with her hairline.
"Oh. Hi, Mom," I say, smiling really wide and sitting back and pulling the littlest Nif!Sister into a hug.
"Girls," she says sternly, and we both stiffen. "You both need to realize that Dean is the hot brother, all right? And stop playing with your food."
Then she walks out.
After a second of blinking shock, I turn to my sister and stick out my tongue. "See?" I say. "Even Mom thinks so."
"You're how old again?" the Nif!Sister asks, glaring, and it is only then that I feel shame.
The supermarket, and my mother and I are shopping together while cheerfully exchanging family gossip. She's just gotten through telling me about the new diet one aunt is trying out and I've just told her about my cousin's secret plan to get our aunt to send him surfing on break, and we're rounding a corner, and her face goes white.
She kind of bends her knees until her face is directly parallel to the handle bar and her entire body is hidden behind the metal of the shopping cart she's pushing, and she hisses, "Oh, shit."
"Mom?" I say, concerned.
"No, no, no, do not turn around, do not look at me, you are shopping alone, you're shopping alone - Oh FUCK, stand in front of me!" she whisper yells, pulling at me, until she's hidden between me and the cereal behind her.
Now, I am pretty good at going with the flow, so I pick up a box of cereal and pretend to be engrossed in it. I read the ingredients aloud, with a furrowed brow, nodding to myself as though I really care about the mono di-glyrcerides or whatever happen to be in it. A steady stream of people is passing by, and my mother is still crouched against my shins.
"Mom?" I finally ask out of the side of my mouth. "What the fuck?"
"Just a little while longer," she says frantically. "Please, please."
So I stay where I am until she finally pushes me away and slaps her sunglasses on her face.
"So, explanation?" I say, finally. "Because that was all a little too weird."
She takes a deep breath and purses her lips to the side, finally grates out, "I told my ex-boyfriend I was moving to South America because I couldn't bear to tell him I just wasn't attracted to him. He couldn't see me." and saunters off.
I, left holding the cereal, shake my head, and put it back carefully.
My mother pops her head back around the aisle and says, "What? You thought you were the only one in this family who got themself into weird situations?"