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01 April 2006 @ 07:26 pm
Firstly, I want you to realize that my hair is not a tootsie roll.  
There are times in life, when an idea hits you. Not one of those earth shattering epiphany type ideas, nor even a niggling back-brain story idea that whispers at you about this one feeling that you can maybe create on paper if you just sift through the words you have long enough. No, these ideas are simply brilliant, though somewhat shakey in terms of execution or analysis, and you believe in them with your whole soul, because honestly, you think, there is simply nothing more true or awesome.

I'd like to share some of these ideas with you.


I'd like to state for the records that pirates are unmitigatedly cool. Minivans, on the other hand, are not so cool. BUT! They do have those doors that slide open on either side, leaving the middle section of the minivan as a breeze-through or staging area, which allows the supple mind (yes, I called my mind supple - what are you gonna do about it, huh? Punk?) to think of a way to combine the cool of pirates with the functionality of the minivan.

I want you to imagine that part of the minivan as a staging area for a highway pirate attack. Stay with me, stay with me, all shall be revealed in time.

Here's the scenario: you pull up on along side a car that seems to have particularly interesting loot (read: good road snacks or rocking cds!), and with the launcher that you will have attached to your minivan, you launch not one, but two grappling hooks onto the other vessel. Then with monkey-like agility you and your crew of miscreants board the other car and procure the booty.

A sample conversation would go like this:

Minivan Pirate: Avast ye! Hand over the gummy worms and frappucinos!


Minivan Pirate: You have been boarded! We are purloining your sugary goodness!


Then, after confiscating the goods, the pirates return to the staging area of the minivan, and the minivan flotilla makes its way toward safe haven, which I imagine as a strip mall. Perhaps with a gym that's advertising a pilates class, and a moderately priced food chain restuarant.

This parking lot will be filled with minivans that are proudly bearing a full-rear window sticker of the Jolly Roger, and a scurvy lot of pirates who lounge in the half opened vehicles, tearing viciously into the coolers worth of road snacks they will have...liberated. There could be rival minivan pirate gangs, and vendettas within them.

It would be like drama on the high seas...but on the highways. Tell me it's not cool. Go on. I won't believe you.

2. The Hangover as Essential, or Chaser Plus is the Enemy

I have talked about this before, and some lucky members of the world have seen me hung over, and friends, I will be brief on this point, but I believe that eliminating the hang over is a drastic error in judgment as the hangover is a neccesary part of human survival, if that human happens to have been over-served the previous evening.

The hangover gives you a fuzzy blanket wrapped over all the stupid shit you may, or may not, have done the night before. The hangover makes survival your first priority, and suddenly it doesn't matter that at five in the morning you drunk dialed high school friends to tell them that you've always thought they wore colors that spoke to you of a certain ennui, and that you wish that they could, like you, partake in the joy of life. The hangover makes you taste the sweet, sweet water in a way you've never tasted it before -- delicious, cool deliverence. The hangover, though not to be enjoyed, does give you a certain perspective on the world that cannot be duplicated.

The hangover is a punishment, and you know this well, but it makes you feel a little bit like you're a trooper. It makes you feel like you've earned the face-down bed-flop in the afternoon. It makes you wear your sunglasses inside sometimes, and that kind of makes you look like a rockstar.

The hangover is painful, but then every birth is. The hangover, my friends, is the buffer between you and the actual world you inhabit until you can mentally cope with it. In conclusion: Chaser Plus, you are the devil.

3. Nicholas Sparks' Machiavellian Plot

I freely admit that I love mawkishly maudlin movies. I will stare at the screan with weepy eyes, clutching at my kleenex with a trembling lip as the consumptive heroine collapses gracefully into the strong arms of her stalwart hero. I do not deny this.

I enjoy A Walk to Remember. I enjoy The Notebook. I'm not proud.

But I am convinced that Nicholas Sparks is slowly, secretely poisoning our minds. He draws you in, he gets you involved. You think abstractly at first about how you may or may not be comfortable with the Christian propaganda, or the gender politics, or the inherent social commentary or the jingoism that floats every so closely above the head of the nostalgia upon which he relies. For the first few moments, you may roll your eyes. You may snort. You may comment on ridiculous dialogue or perceived mediocrity.

But then, your eyes glaze over and you fall deep, deep into the earnest love story he's showing you. You're hypnotized - it's like the man is fucking Rasputin. There is nothing you can do.

Lifetime movies do not even do this as intensely. Those you still carry a sense of irony with you while you watch. Nicholas Sparks annihilates your irony. He leaves you no choice. He makes a zombie of you, and you (and I) love it. He is clearly in league with the forces of darkness.
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: my mind whirring around like a dancer in cirque du soleil
etben on April 2nd, 2006 01:36 am (UTC)
Piracy on the roadways of america! That would be awesome beyond the telling of it. Minivans do indeed have the sort of ugly dignity I've always associated with pirate ships - I mean, they're ugly, but for what they do? They work, man, and beyond a certain point, you cannot mock that.

Also, as far as hangovers go? Yes. Absolutely. The hangover is a stage of depressurization, which keeps you from getting the bends as you surface back into reality. It is the dressing room of life, in which you wonder who's been using your lipstick and then shrug, sigh, and put on your 'normal person! no, really!' hat.

And, um. Hi! *re-lurks*
shayheyredshayheyred on April 2nd, 2006 01:48 am (UTC)
Perhaps the sliding door can unhinge and open top to bottom, creating a gangplank for boarding the other car, or for making captives stolen from plundered cars walk the door. Or plank.

Adoable Frunk: adoable frunklyra_sena on April 2nd, 2006 04:59 am (UTC)

....weeps. (DON'T ENCOURAGE HER)

adorable, yet ill-adoredayrdaomei on April 2nd, 2006 03:25 am (UTC)
**laughs** I feel the same way about A Walk To Remember, which I find myself watching whenever it's on cable. Which is all the time. I have purposely avoided The Notebook because I have a feeling about what it would do to me, and I'm trying to pretend that the LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERE.
Pouncerthepouncer on April 2nd, 2006 03:50 am (UTC)
Just think about it! You're not limited to Frappacinos and Burger King as the targets of piracy. The pirate horde could find vehicles returning home from Costco! And strip them of their booty - soy milk, DVDs, glassware, vitamins, cookies, VHS tapes, clothes, books, CDs - the possibilities are endless. *dreams*
Adoable Frunk: good of the podlyra_sena on April 2nd, 2006 05:05 am (UTC)
I am commenting mainly to use the complementing icon to yours.


And also to say that you are a special kind of insane, but then you know I love that particular brand.

I would also like to say that I was totally with you on the Sparks thing until:
He makes a zombie of you, and you (and I) love it.

and then I got scared and curled in a fetal position and cried until my eyes bled.

THE LORD SENT YOU TO ME!! (that will never stop being funny)

okay, this comment is now finis.


remind me to tell you how grateful I am like I have never been before that you didn't spoil me for Ahab's Wife even when I totally said this afternoon a very leading statement that could have led you to spoil a later part of the book, because OH. MY. GOD. this book OWNS ME, [Nifra] (lord, I had to edit that name there, yeah sorry I'm a bit tipsy) but anyway, OWNS ME, my darling podlet. So much that I think I'm going to have to write Ms. Sena a letter when I finish it. I haven't swooned this much or clutched my chest this much over a book in a long time. Alright, this is getting too long now and also probably better served said in person so RIFT ON, I!love!you!

caress your associative mind: lex sword metaphormindyfromohio on April 4th, 2006 03:30 pm (UTC)
If you're in certain parts of the midwest, the pirates could meet up at Jolly Pirate Donuts. Or they could just lurk outside of it and wait for others to buy the donuts and then take them as booty. Or outside the healthy-food-groceries store and get the Pirates Booty.

Also, I drove a minivan in high school and found it to be Extremely Useful For That One Thing You Do In Cars When You Are In High School.