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26 January 2004 @ 04:48 pm
*grins* This was too good not to share. My dad sent it to me, and now I'm showing you all. celli -- you'll get a crazy kick out of this.

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last letter as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill- advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee Customer Relations
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Postal Service - Recycled Air
Adoable Frunk: kiss my asslyra_sena on January 26th, 2004 09:53 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing* This is fucking hysterical.

The Spikespike21 on January 26th, 2004 10:08 pm (UTC)
*wipes away tears* You know, if nothing else, he should pony up for the 15 minutes of unmitigated amusement the Inland Revenue has just provided. God knows it's more than the Canadian Income Tax collecters have ever done for me.
amandajane: bunnyamandajane5 on January 26th, 2004 10:16 pm (UTC)
This is high-fucking-larious. Wow. If only.

Thanks for posting it!
Catakacat on January 26th, 2004 10:55 pm (UTC)
lol! I love it when government drones allow their sense of humor to escape.
where no one goes: vegasnuptse on January 26th, 2004 10:59 pm (UTC)
Bweee! Oh, gawd, this is exactly why I love you Brits so. Your charm, your biting wit, your patience and politeness (hiding mountains of sarcasm) in the face of everloving assholes - bless your little hearts for being you.
Rae: Keira-brownraelan on January 26th, 2004 11:10 pm (UTC)
*wipes eyes*

Oh God this is just too hysterical. I just love the way the guy painstakingly replied to every insult in a clear and concise manner.
A citizen of Great Britain indeed.

*cracks up*
Keyser Söze: ninjaikierjuno on January 27th, 2004 12:20 am (UTC)
I would love to see the original letter of complaint he sent in. Just reading the excerpts in the reply makes me think it's a literary gem. He has a very descriptive style.
celli on January 27th, 2004 01:03 am (UTC)



Oh, my God. Best. Letter. Ever. I *heart* this man.

*prints out to keep*
out_there on January 27th, 2004 02:21 am (UTC)
Bwahahahahaa! Tax staff with a sense of humour!

Oh man, this is great!
Banazîr the Jedi Hobbit: amusedbanazir on January 27th, 2004 03:52 am (UTC)
Oh, this is great!
It reminded me immediately of this blast from the past (rec.humor.funny, supposedly from 1988, though I remember seeing it some "best of" archive in 1991 or 1992).

Nice to meet you!
Thanks for posting this.

Sarah: discogiddyfangirl on January 27th, 2004 05:15 am (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHAA! Such snark and... Britishness! *bookmarks*
phoiniks: Virtual Insomnia1phoiniks on January 27th, 2004 06:08 am (UTC)
Goodness *wipes eyes* That was bloody hysterical. Thanks for posting this.
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