a) I have a deep seated, highly repressed desire to write tons of fics with Mary Sues, and all kinds of self-insertion because I feel like that would be both absurd and funny as hell, and well. Because I just do. *hangs head* I know. I'm not proud.
b) When encouraged by more than one person in my ridiculousness, it tends to snowball WAY THE HELL OUT OF CONTROL.
c) I enjoyed writing what's coming next WAY TOO MUCH. I am shamed by how much fun I had.
Okay, that having been said. tstar78 and I have this joke about how it would be hysterical if I was an intern on the floating JLA space station-thing. We would say again and again what a hilarious joke it would be for me and Batman to interact in any way because he'd want to just kill me so so so so dead because, well...if you can't tell from my LJ that I'm basically a combination of Rob Gordon from High Fidelity and Lucy Ricardo then, well, I've just told you.
Anyway. The joke is wacky hijinks would ensue. Tonight Caro and I were talking about it and I was like, "I'm way tempted to write some of this down, just for my own amusement," and she said, "DO IT!"
And then I told Lyra, and she said, "Well, you could, and then post it as a response to my icon request!" (A few posts back I solicited requests for ficlets based on my icons, and they're coming, guys, they're coming. I'm using them as a way to procrastinate.) Anyway, Lyra picked my CHEEKY icon, and so I thought, "Yeah, okay, that would be pretty cheeky."
And it just...well...snowballed. *facepalms*
So have the first few installments of what I've decided to call Nifra's Unapologetically Self-Indulgent and Utterly Ridiculous Mary Sue Series. (NUSIaURMSS for short.) There will, most likely, be more of this.
Like I said before, I'm not proud.
“…and here’s the kitchen, where you’ll find the coffee maker, the fridge, the oven and I…well, I’m not really sure what that thing does,” Superman said, scratching his neck. “It’s got a little blinking red light, though. You should probably ask Batman before doing anything with it – it’s either a bomb or some very specialized kind of microwave. I can’t tell.“
“Okay,” Nifra said, eyes wide as she stared at the blinking red light on the unidentified machine on the counter. “If that’s a bomb…should somebody maybe…I don’t know, do something about it?”
“Nah, we’ll probably be fine,” Flash said breezing into the kitchen to lean against the counter top and grin winningly at Nifra. “Or die in a hideous space explosion. So you’re the new girl. I’m Flash. What do you do?”
“I…file?” Nifra said, looking to Superman for confirmation.
He nodded his head, and smiled encouragingly. “And answer the phones and keep track of our schedules. She’s the office manager.”
“So you don’t, like, have any special abilities or anything?” Flash asked, confused.
“Hey! I’ve got special abilities! I can…speed read! And type really, really fast!” Nifra protested, and Superman hid a smile behind his hand.
Flash held up his hands, placatingly. “I get it, you’re a civilian, that’s cool. ”
“Nifra’s going to be pretty much taking over all of the administrative things that we always forget,” Superman explained. “You know, like the damage reports after we fight crime in metropolitan areas.”
“Paperwork,” Flash nodded, putting an arm around Nifra’s shoulder chummily, “bummer. Do you make coffee, too?“
“Flash,” Superman said warningly, but Nifra grinned.
“I brought an espresso machine with me,” she said, and Flash let out a loud woop.
“Who is that?” a low, gravelly voice asked from behind them, and Nifra, Superman and Flash turned as one to see Batman, standing in the door way.
“This,” Flash said grandly, “is Nifra. She’s got an espresso maker!”
Nifra raised one hand and waved a little, lips twitching. “And you’re Batman, and you have…rubber ears.”
Batman’s eyes narrowed as he glared. “What is she doing here?” he asked Superman, ignoring her.
“Making espresso!” Flash responded happily. “Hopefully very, very soon!”
“Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to drink that?” Nifra asked dubiously. “You’re kind of vibrating as it is.”
Flash waved his hand airily. “Nothing to worry about. Really. Espresso?”
“She’s the office manager/administrative assistant I hired,” Superman explained and Batman’s glare shifted to him.
“You did what?” he asked, voice dropping a full register, tone icy.
“I hired her to be our administrative assistant and office manager,” Superman said patiently. “You’re always complaining about how behind we are on our paperwork. So, here’s a solution.”
He gestured toward Nifra, and she waved again. “Hi.”
“A better solution would have been for people to just fill out the forms when they came in,” Batman said, crossing his arms, as he turned toward Flash who shrugged guiltily.
“Hey, I’m the world’s fastest man, not the world’s best filer. In fact, filing’s not in the superhero job description at all. I checked.” He leaned toward Batman. “And besides, she has an *espresso machine*!”
“You’re really kind of all about the caffeine aren’t you?” Nifra asked, amused. “I mean, not that I’m judging or anything. I like me some coffee, too. You just seem kind of…intense about the whole espresso thing.”
Superman gave a long suffering sigh. “You have no idea. “
“I don’t like her. She could be a spy,” Batman stated flatly. “Did anyone consider that?”
“I am *so* not a spy!” Nifra protested, indignant. “Just because I’m not wearing a skin tight outfit and a Zorro mask doesn’t make me a bad guy! Also, I have a name, and it’s Nifra, and I’m *right here in the room*.”
Batman shot her a dirty look. “That’s exactly my problem.”
“I think your problems are a little more extensive than that, dude. I mean, you’re wearing a *rubber body suit* with *ears* on it, “ Nifra shot back, raising an eyebrow.
“I am not a dude,” Batman said in menacing tones.
“Isn’t it nice when people just hit it off like this?” Flash remarked sarcastically to Superman.
“Listen, let’s try this again,” Nifra said, taking a deep breath. “Hi. I’m Nifra. You’re Batman. I work here, you work here. Nice to meet you.” She held out a hand for a shake.
Batman stared at her hand for a second, as though it were something both strange and distasteful, before he turned around, cape swirling behind him, into her face.
Nifra glared at his retreating back. “Okay, so he’s a grown man in a bat suit who sulks and *I’m* questionable? Am I the only smelling the irony wafting off of this one?”
Flash grinned. “Bats isn’t so bad once you get to know him he’s just kind of…well, you know, he’s…he’s got a really cool car.”
“And I’m living across from him?” Nifra asked, in disbelief, shaking her head. “Oh man, fun times await. I can see it now.”
Superman smiled grimly. “Welcome aboard.”
“Yeah, well, you know, drummers are passionate,” Nifra told Diana, sitting down across from her at the table. “I guess he kind of felt things deeply or whatever. Anyway, it just didn’t work out. And since then I’ve kind of been rocking the celibate thing.”
“You’ve taken vows of celibacy?” the princess asked, brow furrowing. She accepted the mug that Nifra slid across the table and sipped it cautiously as the Nifra violently shook her head.
“Not only no, but very much so no,” Nifra replied vehemently. “I just…haven’t met anyone in a while that I find interesting. In that way,” she hastened to add, and Diana nodded thoughtfully.
“I understand your problem. I, too, find it difficult to meet people who interest me, as you say, in that way,” she said twirling her mug.
“Yeah, I can see that.” Nifra nodded. “Besides, it’s not like you have any time for dating, or anything. I mean, you save the world like, every day. Literally. And you bake, sometimes, too.”
“Yes,” Dian said, with a heavy sigh. “But I fear that even if that were not the case… well, I find it difficult, here. It’s so very different then my home.”
“I guess it would be. I mean, a) there are men here, b) we’re in space and c) everything’s just really fucking different,” Nifra said, and Diana laughed.
“But cheer up,” Nifra added. “I know a couple of really great girls I could set you up with, no problem. ”
“Can I do it next time?” Nifra asked, watching as the Green Lantern shaved his head.
“No,” he said, not looking up, shooting her a warning glance in the mirror as he shaved the short fuzz of hair across his scalp.
She crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. “He’s no fun,” she muttered to Flash who stood beside her.
“He never lets me do it either,” Flash grumbled, commiserating.
“What if I promised to be really, really, *really* careful?” Nifra said, smiling winningly at GL. “I used to cut my friends’ hair in college! They liked it!”
GL raised an eyebrow, and looked at her over his shoulder. “I said no.”
“I’m perseverant,” she said sunnily.
“You mean stubborn,” GL muttered, and Flash laughed.
“It’s a lost cause. Nobody’s more stubborn than GL, except maybe Bats, but that’s kind of a toss up,” Flash told Nifra.
“I heard that,” GL called.
Flash grinned, “Just tellin’ it like it is.”
“What if you miss a spot? Somewhere that’s hard to reach?” Nifra asked John. “Could I maybe shave that for you?”
“No!” Gl said, putting down the electric razor and turning around. “No, no, no, and no! Didn’t anybody ever teach you the meaning of that word?”
Nifra’s grin widened, unrepentant. “They tried. It never really took.”
“And your parents never tried to kill you? Not even once?” GL asked, crossing his arms.
“They thought I was charming,” she informed him. “Because I am. So can I shave any spots you miss?”
“She just doesn’t stop,” Flash said, admiring, and GL shot him a quelling glance. “What? It’s like watching a cagematch of stubborn. In one corner, Green Lantern, the favorite, and in the other, Nifra, the dark horse candidate! Who will win?”
“Can I?” Nifra persisted.
“NO!” GL roared. “You are *not* shaving my head today! Under *no* circumstances!”
Cowed, Nifra shrank back into the door frame. Flash even took a reflexive step backward. GL split a glare between the two of them before turning back to the mirror. For a moment the only sound in the bathroom was the hum of the electric razor.
“What about tommorow?” Nifra asked.