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11 May 2004 @ 04:21 pm
SV Fic: Loose Me From Hard Cares (1/1)  
So, yeah. Last night I got to the point where I couldn't sleep and I couldn't write paper anymore, so I took a wee break, wrote this, dove back into the paper writing process that is my life.

Title: Loose Me From Hard Cares
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Summary: A missing scene from Shattered.

Lex’s neck is bent like a branch under snow, and his head is pillowed into Clark’s lap as straw pricks at his skin. Clark’s hand rests lightly – every so lightly in the dip of Lex’s waist, and Lex says, “I don’t know what’s real,” and his voice is a ghost that haunts the dark, sweet -smelling barn.

Clark says nothing, but bites back a gasp, a sob, a promise. Lex is warm, lying against him and the silence all around them is cold. The whole barn seems to shiver with it, shaking a little in the nervous dark.

What Clark thinks about, as his eyes trace the grain of the grey wood above them, is this: I am not real, I have never been as real as when I am with you, I will never be this real again if everything changes tonight, if you change tonight. To Clark, it’s as though those words have inscribed themselves upon him – a truth, blazing invisibly across his skin, burning wherever his body touches Lex’s.

Lex’s eyes are open, staring, and tears leak down his cheeks. Clark doesn’t brush them away. Instead, he traces circles on Lex’s hip and leans back against the wall. He whispers, “I’m not going to let anyone take you.”

Lex says nothing. Clark isn’t sure if he heard, or if he did and doesn’t understand or care.

Lying halfway in his lap, Lex is so small. His wrists are slender, and his bones are visible through his skin – he’s a statue, a skeleton, a shadow in the dark. There’s dust on the tip of his nose and Clark wipes it off.

“Thanks,” Lex murmurs, and Clark just nods, even though Lex can’t see him.

“We’ll get through this, Lex,” Clark says finally, and his voice is too big for the moment. It echoes in the small stall, and Lex pushes himself up.

His face is round, and pink where it was pressed against Clark’s knee – a crease runs over his cheek and his eyes are colorless. “You sound so sure,” he says, rubbing a hand over his scalp. “How can you be sure? How can you be sure of anything? I’m not. I can’t be. We can’t be – there’s nothing that’s certain, I found that glass but I was with Louis for months and – ”

He talks to the hay, his face drawing tighter and tighter, his voice becoming shrill and frantic, rising up toward panicked with every word. Clark doesn’t know what Lex is talking about, but he reaches out, he puts his hand on Lex’s shoulders, makes Lex face him, and he says, “I’m sure, okay? So you just have to trust me. Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” Lex says quickly, jerking his head in a tight nod. “I trust you.”

Clark feels a sick, proud twist in his stomach, and he smiles at Lex. “Good, so trust that we’re going to get through this. I’ll make sure of it.”

Lex stares at Clark for a moment, eyes probing, marking Clark’s expression and Clark keeps it as open, as trustworthy as he can. He tries to look encouraging, he tries to look in control – he tries to look the way Lex does when Clark needs him. He wonders if Lex knows how much Clark has learned from him.

Lex is rigid, stiff, and his breathing is coming fast – still panicked, still unsure. Clark rubs his shoulder a little, cupping his hand to the bow of it and Lex softens.

“Clark,” Lex whispers, leaning his forehead against Clark’s, “Clark, I just…I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know what to believe in, what I can count on…what’s actually there. What’s real.”

“You are. You’re real,” Clark responds, and Lex snorts.

“Not even when I’m sane,” he quips, and Clark grins before he sees the pale, lost look that pinches Lex’s expression, and Clark says, “Hey, we’re really here, this barn is real. That piece of glass is real. We’re going to figure this out, Lex, all right? You and me, got it? We’ll figure it out, okay?” and Lex tips his chin up, and for a second he looks like he did a week ago, three days ago, like he always has before now. His eyes shift quickly from grey to blue, and back again, before just shining, like moonlight on water or metal.

“You and me,” Lex says, and Clark nods, his head bumping against Lex’s as he does so. The puffs of air from Lex’s mouth are warm against his own, and his hands have drifted toward Lex’s neck and Lex still smells the way he always has – like pine.

“Yeah,” he promises, and his finger tips ghost over Lex’s jaw. “You and me.”

Lex moves fast, leaning in, pressing his lips against Clark’s, his eyes open and fierce. Against Clark’s, his cheeks are wet, and Clark knows he shouldn’t be doing this – that now isn’t the time that now is all wrong, couldn’t be more wrong, that this might not be what Lex wants, that even if it *is* things are –

It doesn’t matter. None of it matters, because Lex needs this – Clark can feel it in every tense inch of his body, and so he kisses Lex back. And, oh, how Clark needs this. He thinks that he’s never needed anything more than this, this one kiss.

And so he kisses Lex sweetly. He kisses Lex warmly. He kisses Lex honestly, and when Lex pulls back, his eyes are closed and his mouth is red and wet. “And is this real?” Lex rasps, and Clark brushes his thumb over Lex’s lower lip.

“Oh yeah,” he says, and Lex nods once, opens his eyes, and he smiles. Not a big one, just a curve of his mouth, the one that Clark knows now, knows fully. Their fingers mingle in the straw, sliding over one another – tender, definite, calm – and they wait.

Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Aveda - Hot Hot Heat
happyminion on May 11th, 2004 01:28 pm (UTC)
*sobs and crawls away*

pure FORESHADOWING: breathlessnifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:19 pm (UTC)
*hugs and gives kleenex, the kind with lotion even!* Thank you, babe!
garryowen: kikigarryowen on May 11th, 2004 01:29 pm (UTC)
All the more heartbreaking because we know what happens after this. *sniff* I like strong Lex, but I ache for fragile Lex.
pure FORESHADOWING: Clark RHPSnifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:20 pm (UTC)
Oh, god, who *doesn't* ache for fragile Lex? I mean, it's like when he's fragile he's made of glass, like he could shatter at any moment, and you just want to wrap him up in something warm and soft. Gahd. I love these boys.

I'm glad you enjoyed this, hon!
Talitha: azarsuerte lexmemoriatalitha78 on May 11th, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC)
This is really lovely and heartbreaking, especially when we know how the episode ends:
Lex’s eyes are open, staring, and tears leak down his cheeks. Clark doesn’t brush them away. Instead, he traces circles on Lex’s hip and leans back against the wall. He whispers, “I’m not going to let anyone take you.”
*sobs* Thanks for sharing.
pure FORESHADOWING: Sad puppy! - Caronifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:25 pm (UTC)
I still am madly in love with that episode and how much it just wrips me to itty bitty pieces -- and how it rips them to itty bitty pieces. *gives you kleenex, and sniffles herself* I'm glad you enjoyed this, though!
Adoable Frunk: lyra lexlyra_sena on May 11th, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC)
I told you this already, but I love the way this wraps the reader up in a cocoon, assuring us like Clark is assuring Lex. The prose is lovely, and beautifully crafted, especially the rhythm of the kiss. And ahhh, how my heart breaks for both of them! Clark, determined to be so strong for Lex, and Lex, *letting* Clark be strong for him.

Wonderful, honey.
pure FORESHADOWING: johnny sexnifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:35 pm (UTC)
i hearts you so bad.

(look at me not using the symbol!)
.: lex and clark (oxoniensis)hackthis on May 11th, 2004 01:56 pm (UTC)
So, um, yeah. DUDE!

*wanders off in daze*

pure FORESHADOWING: paul sexnifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:27 pm (UTC)
*laughs and keeps you from wandering into oncoming traffic* So, yeah, dude. Glad to put you in an incoherent daze? *grins*
Anne: CLex rescue by runpunkruntobyfan on May 11th, 2004 02:00 pm (UTC)
oh my. Wonderfully done, Nifra. *sniff* You're so good at breaking my heart.
pure FORESHADOWING: Deathnifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:31 pm (UTC)
*snugs* I....try? But not really because in no way would I actively wish to be responsible for making you unhappy because you're such a wonderful person so really all my trying is limited to writing melancholy fic? *laughs and snugs you again* I'm glad you enjoyed it, m'love.
Yavanna: Hurt meyavannauk on May 11th, 2004 03:40 pm (UTC)
*sniff* Damn, that's simply heartbreaking. Beautiful.
pure FORESHADOWING: angelina sexnifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:31 pm (UTC)
*pets* Thank you!
Jonathan Toews does not want a sandwich.: Clex Save You In The End--Sarahsvmadelyn on May 11th, 2004 04:13 pm (UTC)

That was just beautiful. How the hell did you do that in the midst of paper horror?

Somehow knowing the paper horror makes it all the better, like something good is coming out of the bad in both the story and life.

pure FORESHADOWING: CRAZY EYES!nifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:33 pm (UTC)
*laughs* Dude, I don't even have any idea how that ended up in English, let alone readable because I was so cracked out when I wrote it....but yes. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and the backstory, too.

*runs off, humming Captain Student! song*
sageness on May 11th, 2004 04:43 pm (UTC)
I love this so much. It flows like a tide, waves rolling in and out with varying urgency. And such a sweet kiss, whether or not Lex remembers. So lovely.

Good luck on the other monsters, especially if they end up fueling more study breaks like this. :)

pure FORESHADOWING: neon nightsnifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:34 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* Thank you, honey, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! And, you know, study breaks bring interesting things sometimes...*laughs*
Sarahgiddyfangirl on May 11th, 2004 11:35 pm (UTC)
*overwhelmed with love*

They are so, so perfect. Poor pretty woobies. *hugs*
pure FORESHADOWING: Mmm red duct tapenifra_idril on May 11th, 2004 11:37 pm (UTC)
*laughs* They really, really are, each in their own way, aren't they? *grins*
digitalwave: I'm Healed by Your Touch by Signedigitalwave on May 11th, 2004 11:59 pm (UTC)

This was beautiful, even if it did break my heart. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

*goes away to sniffle quietly in the corner*
pure FORESHADOWING: wait - dammitcarlnifra_idril on May 12th, 2004 04:41 pm (UTC)
*pets you and sends tissues to your corner* I'm really glad that you enjoyed it, and by the way your icon? Stunning.
digitalwave: My gorgeous present from Alax!digitalwave on May 13th, 2004 01:12 am (UTC)
Thanks so much,

Signe made it for me. I love it. :)
phoiniksphoiniks on May 12th, 2004 12:56 am (UTC)
Awww Nif this is beautiful *sniff*

Good luck with your paper writing.
pure FORESHADOWING: absolut!nifra_idril on May 12th, 2004 04:42 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, hon! I'm really glad you liked this -- and also? I'm gonna need all the luck I can get. So thank you again!
Hammy: lex-mm-fanficangryhamster on May 12th, 2004 03:43 pm (UTC)
wow. this is just beautiful.

it fits in perfectly with the episode and everything, and just... gah.

wonderful. i loved it.

would you mind terribly if i added you to my flist...? i'd hate to miss gems like this in future.
pure FORESHADOWING: brad sexnifra_idril on May 12th, 2004 04:44 pm (UTC)
*bounces* Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! This is a scene that's sort of been in my head since Shattered aired, so to me? This is what happened. *laughs* Don't know if that makes the episode easier or harder to bear, to be honest, but it's the way it all works in my head...

As to adding me to your friendslist? Go for it! You'll probably find a rather retarded amount of crazy popping up in your life from now on, but *grins* you know, that's just the way I is.
Hammyangryhamster on May 12th, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC)
"shattered" actually re-aired here yesterday, and although i couldn't bring myself to watch all of it (because i'm a big wuss), it was totally fresh in my mind for reading this. i don't really think *anyhing* could ease the pain of that episode, but it's a damn good fic nonetheless.

consider yourself added, btw. i have no problem with the crazy whatsoever. :D hope you don't mind comments, either. :P