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16 May 2004 @ 04:21 am

Okay, so on the bright side:

1. Bana's Hector is my new captain sweetie-pants. Because, really, he was. And him with the baby? Made my ovaries hurt.

2. The baby was way too good of an actor. I'm sorry, but was anybody else mildly freaked out by the seemingly prescient infant?

3. Brad Pitt. Often shirtless. Often wearing that really great blue. God yes.

4. Fight sequences involving Achilles = the good.

5. Saffron Burrows -- man, *she* should have been Helen. What a gorgeous woman.

6. Odysseus. Man. a) I'd totally do Sean Bean in basically *any* incarnation (even LOTR where you could practically base a drinking game on the amount of times your character says GONDOR, which is fine and all, but I'd really hate to hear that yelled at any inappropriate time --- I mean, talk about giving a girl a complex!) and b) it seemed to me like this was the one character that they actually managed to preserve. And also, Sean Bean can *act* like a mofo and with limited *limited* material, he managed to be a really strong presence in the movie.

Other not so positive thoughts:

1. What the *shit* was happening with the music? I mean, dear *GOD* tell me that was a practical joke because the way it kept wavering and being ridiculously *bad* all the time? I was cringing. Cringing. That score sucked *ass*.

2. How is it possible that they made the Iliad largely boring? I mean, I kept hoping that it would all come together in some kind of great way, but that never happened. I was just sitting there for two and a half hours in the dark, waiting for the movie to gel, and it didn't.

3. The Trojan war is now 18 days long or so? How very interesting.

4. Patroclus, while you were a very successful little man-bitch, you pretty much did nothing but tool around and look kind of like Brad Pitt and be subject to really weird shots. I mean, you tried man. You gave it your *all*, but in the end, you were basically pointless and useless. Sorry, dude. Nice necklace, though.

5. Yet another interesting choice: Paris lives...Agammemnon doesn't. Again, I say to you: what the *shit*? I guess Orestes and Clytemnestra now get to live long and fulfilling lives, with a healthy mother-son dynamic.

6. While I get that the gods couldn't make it to the filming of this movie (and really, who can pencil a movie in when they're a god?), what I *don't* particularly get is then the insistent emphasis the movie placed on faith trumping any kind of realistic practicality -- it just made Priam look like a doddering old fool in some of his decisions. The audience is watching with this kind of dramatic irony thing going, and especially in regards to the Trojan Horse, the way it's cut makes it look like "Oh, dude, Priam's getting good advice again, obviously he's not going to take it" and that so undercut the beauty of Peter O'Toole's performance that I wanted to shriek and shriek. Luckily for those around me, I didn't.

7. So Helen and Paris' last dialogue? Pretty much lifted from Titanic, wasn't it? I mean all that needed to happen was for Helen to then push Paris away and lock the door in his face to get the effect of Rose pushing Jack beneath the ICY WAVES OF DEATH and off her tiny wooden island of salvation.

8. Eight...eight...I forget what eight was for....

9. Who is that woman who always ends up wailing sadly and prettily but non-verbally over slow-motion battle sequences, thereby showing us the sadness of war? (Granted, I know it's not just woman, but why the hell does that form of music always seem necessary!) It was in Gladiator, the promos for The Passion (which I never saw) and probably a bajillion and a half other war-type movies. I just don't get why suddenly that's like, the god of all fighting shots.

In conclusion:

I'd totally do Achilles or Hector or Odysseus. And I contend that I could probably take Penelope, in order to do so, and possibly also Andromache. Also, Brisies was kind of hot, which was cool, and there were many many times where I found myself asking "Why is this happening this way?" but all of those times were balanced out by just how well that short military skirt showcased Brad Pitt's UNGODLY BEAUTIFUL ASS.

Because, y'all? It totally is.

So who else is now counting the days to Alexander, hoping for a great deal more from it than they got from Troy? I am! I am!
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Add it Up - Violent Femmes
Adoable Frunk: brad surrenderlyra_sena on May 16th, 2004 06:27 am (UTC)
I can't decide if this makes me want to see the movie or not. I mean, Brad Pitt. Blue Shirt. On the other hand, bad music. I know I'll be crawling out of my skin over the score. Maybe I can go and wear earplugs. And just watch Brad the whole time. Decisions, decisions. *ponders* And I hate that they fucked around with the Iliad. Why do the movie if you're going to mess up the story? Argh, to kill off characters that y'know, NEED TO LIVE. But hey, at least now that I've read everyone's review of it, I won't be surprised over the Greeks jumping out of the horse. I mean, who knew!?!? *laughing*

Also, I dreamed about having a baby last night, so I'm not sure my ovaries could handle Bana's Hector. I'm already weepy and looking at baby clothes as it is.

happyminion on May 16th, 2004 10:10 am (UTC)
Lyra, it's a really, really bad score. So bad that I repressed it and didn't even mention the thing in my review. It was just that *bad*. And the battle scenes felt almost childish compared to what I'd grown accustomed to with the LoTR trilogy. Wolfgang is very lucky that Brad and Eric stand out visually in a fray or it would've been some of the most ridiculous looking fighting I've ever seen.

That said, yes, anonymous wailing woman (she got around a lot in Epic Times, didn't she?) and the score in general *suck*, but Brad is one fine piece of Brandness and Eric Banas will make your heart *hurt* and Sean Bean needs MORE MOVIES NOW! I really nub him lots and lots.

Great review, Nif. I giggled a lot.
Adoable Frunklyra_sena on May 16th, 2004 03:55 pm (UTC)
Gah, music is supposed to *enhance*, not detract. *goes on witchhunt for composer*

I am also on my way to find pictures of these men you call Sean Bean and Eric Bana, as I have no idea what they look like, but with all the flailing going on over them, I figure they must be HOT.
happyminion on May 16th, 2004 04:41 pm (UTC)
Eric Bana: http://troymovie.warnerbros.com/img/photobook/3.jpg

You may have seen Hulk. If you did, he was Bruce in that movie.

Sean Bean:


If you've seen Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, then you know him as Boromir.

They are most amazing!

Edited because I cannot spell Eric's last name for one and I got his character's name wrong in Hulk. Behold, the wonder dork in action! Sorry!
Adoable Frunklyra_sena on May 16th, 2004 04:50 pm (UTC)
*giggles* I heart you. And what's funny, is that after I posted my first comment, I thought 'I bet Wendi's going to come back with some links for me'. Hee! *twirls you*

also, *flails* OH YES BOROMIR!! OMG!! I totally didn't know that actor's name. Well, shit man. This seals the deal. I'm gonna buy some heavy duty earplugs and haul my ass to the movie.

Bana is way guh, too, even though I didn't see Hulk because I thought it looked a little dumb. The animated 'Hulk' portion, that is. I still have fond memories of The Hulk from when I was a child, watching it religiously because I thought that actor who turned into the Hulk was so cute.
happyminion on May 16th, 2004 04:57 pm (UTC)
Dude, I loved Boromir, because even though he was tempted, in the end, there was *love*, you know? And I thought that SB really portrayed that in the movie, that warmth that was underneath. And, gah! It's THERE in his Odysseus, too! I mean...Odysseus!!! And you'll love him!

I didn't see Hulk either, and I, too, was a fan of the show when I was a little girl. But yeah...I couldn't get beyond CGI Hulk looking really stupid.

Trust me, you're just going to love those two characters. And Brad's body. Because it's, like, the eighth world wonder, even if you don't care for the man's acting or the role he's playing. *g*
pure FORESHADOWING: angelina sexnifra_idril on May 17th, 2004 02:47 am (UTC)
*grins* Glad I could make you giggle, hon.

Also - hell *yeah* Sean Bean needs to make more movies now! Did you see him as Count Vronsky in Anna Karenina?

He was way good. *OF COURSE*.
pure FORESHADOWING: brad sexnifra_idril on May 17th, 2004 02:45 am (UTC)
Trust me when I say to you that you of all people should not go see this movie in surround sound. The music will make you weep, like the baby Jesus did when this movie was filmed.

Rent it and watch it on mute. I feel like that way, it'll be a fine film.
What the hell is up with the mummy?!serialkarma on May 16th, 2004 08:11 am (UTC)
3. Brad Pitt. Often shirtless. Often wearing that really great blue. God yes.

4. Fight sequences involving Achilles = the good.

Word. I kept turning to my friend and going, "Pretty!" that or "*Damn!*"
pure FORESHADOWING: jude sexnifra_idril on May 17th, 2004 02:50 am (UTC)
See, I feel like, sadly, that's the level of thinking that *went into* this movie, so what the hell more can they expect out of it, you know?
spatz on May 17th, 2004 08:49 pm (UTC)
I guess Orestes and Clytemnestra now get to live long and fulfilling lives, with a healthy mother-son dynamic

Mmmm, and then Lionel and Lex will skip off through the daisy fields in happy father-son bondingness, with all psychological problems magically resolved.