Okay, so on the bright side:
1. Bana's Hector is my new captain sweetie-pants. Because, really, he was. And him with the baby? Made my ovaries hurt.
2. The baby was way too good of an actor. I'm sorry, but was anybody else mildly freaked out by the seemingly prescient infant?
3. Brad Pitt. Often shirtless. Often wearing that really great blue. God yes.
4. Fight sequences involving Achilles = the good.
5. Saffron Burrows -- man, *she* should have been Helen. What a gorgeous woman.
6. Odysseus. Man. a) I'd totally do Sean Bean in basically *any* incarnation (even LOTR where you could practically base a drinking game on the amount of times your character says GONDOR, which is fine and all, but I'd really hate to hear that yelled at any inappropriate time --- I mean, talk about giving a girl a complex!) and b) it seemed to me like this was the one character that they actually managed to preserve. And also, Sean Bean can *act* like a mofo and with limited *limited* material, he managed to be a really strong presence in the movie.
Other not so positive thoughts:
1. What the *shit* was happening with the music? I mean, dear *GOD* tell me that was a practical joke because the way it kept wavering and being ridiculously *bad* all the time? I was cringing. Cringing. That score sucked *ass*.
2. How is it possible that they made the Iliad largely boring? I mean, I kept hoping that it would all come together in some kind of great way, but that never happened. I was just sitting there for two and a half hours in the dark, waiting for the movie to gel, and it didn't.
3. The Trojan war is now 18 days long or so? How very interesting.
4. Patroclus, while you were a very successful little man-bitch, you pretty much did nothing but tool around and look kind of like Brad Pitt and be subject to really weird shots. I mean, you tried man. You gave it your *all*, but in the end, you were basically pointless and useless. Sorry, dude. Nice necklace, though.
5. Yet another interesting choice: Paris lives...Agammemnon doesn't. Again, I say to you: what the *shit*? I guess Orestes and Clytemnestra now get to live long and fulfilling lives, with a healthy mother-son dynamic.
6. While I get that the gods couldn't make it to the filming of this movie (and really, who can pencil a movie in when they're a god?), what I *don't* particularly get is then the insistent emphasis the movie placed on faith trumping any kind of realistic practicality -- it just made Priam look like a doddering old fool in some of his decisions. The audience is watching with this kind of dramatic irony thing going, and especially in regards to the Trojan Horse, the way it's cut makes it look like "Oh, dude, Priam's getting good advice again, obviously he's not going to take it" and that so undercut the beauty of Peter O'Toole's performance that I wanted to shriek and shriek. Luckily for those around me, I didn't.
7. So Helen and Paris' last dialogue? Pretty much lifted from Titanic, wasn't it? I mean all that needed to happen was for Helen to then push Paris away and lock the door in his face to get the effect of Rose pushing Jack beneath the ICY WAVES OF DEATH and off her tiny wooden island of salvation.
8. Eight...eight...I forget what eight was for....
9. Who is that woman who always ends up wailing sadly and prettily but non-verbally over slow-motion battle sequences, thereby showing us the sadness of war? (Granted, I know it's not just woman, but why the hell does that form of music always seem necessary!) It was in Gladiator, the promos for The Passion (which I never saw) and probably a bajillion and a half other war-type movies. I just don't get why suddenly that's like, the god of all fighting shots.
I'd totally do Achilles or Hector or Odysseus. And I contend that I could probably take Penelope, in order to do so, and possibly also Andromache. Also, Brisies was kind of hot, which was cool, and there were many many times where I found myself asking "Why is this happening this way?" but all of those times were balanced out by just how well that short military skirt showcased Brad Pitt's UNGODLY BEAUTIFUL ASS.
Because, y'all? It totally is.
So who else is now counting the days to Alexander, hoping for a great deal more from it than they got from Troy? I am! I am!