But more than that, I've written the first installment of a *gasp* TWO PART NIFRA SUE EXTRAVAGANZA!
With special guest SLODDY SUE!!!
Oh, I know. It's exciting stuff.
“Damned thing. Let me into the bathroom already,” Nifra muttered, wrestling with the door knob beneath the stairs at the Wayne mansion. She pressed her shoulder against the door, and pushed, and her strappy black heel caught on the train of her dress as it gave way. She lost her balance and fell –
into a couple, fused at the lips among a room filled with coats.
“Oh! I – sorry, I was just – the bathroom, I thought --,” Nifra stammered apologetically, slipping and falling again as she tried to get up.
“What the hell are you doing here?” the man asked her, staring at her, prone on the coat room floor and managing to look very formidable indeed, despite the lipstick smeared on his cheek. The woman behind him giggled leaning back against a wall of expensive looking overcoats.
Nifra narrowed her eyes at the other woman. “Slod?” she said, disbelieving, and the woman giggled again.
“Heya,” Slod said, waving cheerfully, and quite obviously drunkenly. “We were just, uhm, we were – making out, I think. I had some wine a minute ago. Did you want some wine?”
“I – no, no thank you,” Nifra said, pulling herself up by gripping onto a floor length furry garment. “You look like you’re having fun,” she said to Slod, who nodded enthusiastically.
The man crossed his arms, and glared at her. “Did you want something?” he asked, a muscle in his jaw jumping with irritation.
Nifra jumped at the sound of his voice, frowning. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” she asked.
“No, absolutely not,” the man said quickly, and Nifra’s frown deepened.
“Because you seem really familiar somehow,” she said and Slod grinned hugely, pointing at him.
“He’s Bruce Wayne,” Slod declared proudly. “He tastes like breathmints.”
“Well, that must be very nice for him,” Nifra said absently, straightening her skirt, and patting her hair back into place.
Bruce cleared his throat, and she looked up, an eyebrow raised. “May I ask exactly what you’re doing in my coat room?” he inquired, acidly. “I don’t recall it being part of the gala this evening.
“I was just looking for the bathroom, is all,” Nifra said defensively. “This house is like a rabbit warren, though – a huge, dark, scary, rabbit warren with slippery floors. And are you sure I don’t know you?”
“Absolutely positive,” Bruce replied tightly. “And the bathroom is down the hall, through the second door to the right.”
“Which hall?” Nifra asked, looking out the coatroom door. “Because I’m seeing a lot of halls, here.”
“The hall with the Oriental art,” Bruce said. “Now if you’ll excuse us – “
“Oh, right,” Nifra said, nodding, and waving Bruce toward Slod encouragingly. “You – you two go back to your secret closet smoochies. I’ll just be on my way and –“
Bruce nodded curtly, and shut the door to the coat room in her face as Slod called out a “Bye!” from behind him.
“ – become hopelessly lost,” Nifra finished to the empty hallway.
Five minutes later, Nifra found herself back in front of the coat room, biting her lower lip and listening to the giggles and murmurs coming from within.
With a wince, she reached up, and knocked lightly. When there was no response, she cleared her throat, and called, “Uhm, I’m sorry to – uh, bother you again, but it’s just that I couldn’t find the Oriental art.”
There was no response, and so she knocked again. “Mr. Wayne? Excuse me?”
The door swung open, and to reveal an even more disheveled Bruce Wayne.
“What do you want?” he demanded, and Nifra waved shyly.
“*What* do you *want*?” he repeated, and Nifra smiled nervously.
“It’s just that – I can’t seem to find the bathroom and I – “
“You go that way,” Bruce pointed toward a dark corridor. “And then you go right when there’s a red door.”
“Red door,” Nifra repeated, nodding. “Thanks, I really –“
Inside the closet, a quavering, and giggly voice began to sing “Let’s Get It On”.
“Is that all?” Bruce asked. “Is there anything else you need?”
“No, no, no, nothing,” Nifra assured him before pausing. “But are you *sure* we’ve never met before?”
Bruce Wayne clenched his jaw, and slammed the door to the coat room shut again.
Nifra shook her head. “I swear to God I know him,” she muttered.
Another five minutes later found her back in front of the door to the coat room. Again.
Nifra fidgeted with her purse, worrying the strap of it, and grimacing at the door. “He’s going to rip my head off,” she murmured. “And wear it as a hat.”
Timidly, she reached out, and knocked on the door.
When there was no response, she rolled her eyes at herself, and said, “Oh, for God’s sake,” and knocked again, harder.
The door opened, and this time, Bruce Wayne’s shirt was unbuttoned half way down his chest.
“I am *so* sorry,” Nifra began. “But –“
“What is it *now*?” he demanded, glaring fiercely. “Are you unfamiliar with the color red?”
“The door is locked,” Nifra told him, crossing her arms and glaring back. “And I think your tone is uncalled for, Mr. Wayne.”
“I think it’s exactly what’s called for,” he shot back. “And the door to the bathroom can’t be locked.”
Nifra raised her eyebrows. “Oh, is that so? Then how do you explain the fact that it won’t open, huh?”
“If it’s locked, then it isn’t the bathroom,” he said flatly, moving to close the door again, but Nifra grabbed the edge of the door, stopping him.
“Then where is the bathroom? Do you even *have* a bathroom? Or is it just some kind of myth? I mean for God’s sake, you can’t invite this many people here and then not have a bathroom! There are health codes. I’m pretty sure about that, and if my bladder explodes then I’m definitely going to – “
“You are the single most annoying person I have ever met,” Bruce Wayne gritted out. “And you have no sense of direction whatsoever.”
“Hey!” Nifra protested. “I have plenty of direction!”
“Oh, then how do you explain this?” he asked, crossing his arms.
“Magellen would get lost in this ridiculous place!” Nifra said, waving an arm, frustrated. “You practically have to circumnavigate the ball room to get to the champagne!”
“You can’t circumnavigate a flat surface,” he replied. “And Magellen didn’t come up with the idea of circumnavigation, Columbus did.”
“That’s not the point,” Nifra told him dismissively.
“I’d dearly love to know what is,” Bruce Wayne said tiredly. In the depths of the closet, Slod began singing again, this time with more gusto.
“Is that Barry White?” Nifra asked, disbelieving. “Is she singing Barry White?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” Bruce replied, running a hand through his hair. “Do you need someone to show you where the bathroom is?”
“No, I need someone to unlock it, as I told you a minute ago,” Nifra snapped.
“My bathroom,” Bruce said, voice gravelly with irritation, “is not locked.”
Slod’s voice broke on a high note, and Nifra winced. “She is going to be *so* embarrassed in the morning. And hung over, too. Poor thing.”
“Can we get back to the matter at hand?” Bruce asked tightly, glare intensifying.
Nifra studied his face for a long moment, her eyes narrowing. “You know, I keep asking you this, but there is just something so familiar about you. You remind me of someone – I just can’t put my finger on – “
“I do not know you, thank God, and if I did know you, I wouldn’t have invited you to the even this evening, and I’m rather curious to know how you ended up here anyway, Ms. Idril.”
“I never told you my last name,” Nifra said slowly, her eyes narrowing even further. “How did you know my last name?”
“I – Slod told me,” Bruce replied. “After you left.”
“Doing a lot of talking in there?” Nifra asked skeptically.
“That’s not any of your business,” he said, voice low and dangerous.
Nifra’s eyes widened. “Oh my God,” she breathed.
“What?” Bruce asked, only the slightest widening of his eyes betraying any panic.
“I *do* know you! You creep!” She said, pointing. “You’re Batman!” she hissed in a whisper.
“I most certainly am not!” he protested, hotly.
“Oh, you so are, buster! Nobody else in the world can piss me off like you can!” Nifra shot back, before her jaw dropped briefly. “Oh, God, Slod ---“
Nifra craned her head over Bruce’s shoulder, and frantically told her friend, “Sweetie, he’s crazy! You want nothing to do with him! Trust me! He’s a total psycho! Make a break for it while you can! I’ll grab his ankles and make sure he can’t get away!”
“Cozy here,” Slod said, blinking happily. “He’s warm.”
“He’s dangerously unstable!” Nifra shouted, as Bruce corralled her away from the closet. “Seriously! You have to believe me on this one!”
“Will you stop that?” Bruce angrily demanded.
“Will *I* stop it? You’re the one who’s using your tall dark and handsome act to try and trap my friend into having sex with a total and complete whack job!” Nifra hit him on the arm, hard. “And, PS, you’re incredibly rude to your guests! Although, what do you expect from a guy who wears a suit with rubber nipples on it.”
“My suit does not – and I’m not – I really, truly dislike you,” Bruce said finally.
“Oh, make that two of us,” Nifra agreed, crossing her arms and glaring up at him. “And why *didn’t* you invite me to your little party, huh?”
“I’ll refer you to the above statement about dislike,” he told her, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Again, I‘ll ask, how did you get here?”
“Oh, I’m here with – “
“Hey guys!” Wally called, zipping into the room. “Neat, you found each other. Listen --”
“You’re here with *him*?” Bruce asked incredulously. “You’re dating a member of the League? That isn’t right. You shouldn’t date staff.”
Nifra’s eyes simmered with outrage as she drew herself up to her full height. “Hey, excuse me, Mr. Macks In Closets, but I hardly think you’re one to be giving me any kind of advice on dating etiquette. I mean, don’t you have a bedroom right upstairs? And yet, where did you and Slod end up, hmm?”
“It’s not a date, per se,” Wally protested to Bruce, before doing a double take. “Wait, *Slod* is here?”
Nifra gestured vaguely at Bruce. “Oh yeah, she’s here all right. Don’t you recognize the lipstick all over his jerky face?”
“She’s singing in the closet,” Bruce told Wally, not breaking his death glare at Nifra to gesture look at Wally.
“Much like Superman,” Nifra muttered under her breath, shaking her head.
“Wait, wait, wait, let me see if I’m right on this,” Wally said, holding up a hand. “You, Bruce Wayne, were making out with *my* Slod in the closet?”
“She’s not your Slod,” Bruce said, irritated.
“By which he means yes,” Nifra told Wally, rolling her eyes.
“My face is not jerky, either,” Bruce told Nifra and she smirked.
“That,” she replied primly, “is a matter of opinion.”
“But you know I like her, man!” Wally wailed. “And you went and made out with her in a closet anyway?”
“I really fail to see why that’s any of your concern,” Bruce replied.
“My con—of *course* it’s my concern! I was going to ask her out!” Wally practically shouted, before holding up his fists. “All right. I’ll fight you for her.”
Bruce just stared at him. “You’ll lose,” he said, confidently.
“Hey, guys?” Nifra said, raising a hand. “I feel like the woman can probably make her own decision.”
“Where’s your sense of romance?” Wally asked her, raising an eyebrow.
Nifra covered her face with her hands. “Only I would end up at a job that’s like The Young and the Restless in tights.”
Bruce opened his mouth to retort, but was cut off by the sound of gun fire.
"Oh, oops," Wally said, looking sheepish. "I got distracted by -- anyway, there are criminals trying to take over the ball."
"And you're just mentioning this *now*?" Nifra asked, and Wally just shrugged. She sighed heavily. "I never should have left the Watchtower."
...to be continued! Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel...for bat love!